Magnetic Confidence: The Power of Authentic Connections in Dating and Life with Kimmy Seltzer
Have you ever wondered if there’s a “secret sauce” to confidence? If there’s something you can do to be more confident now? Well, there is! Listen as confidence guru Kimmy Seltzer gets you out of your head and into your body.
Kimmy Seltzer, a total rockstar in the confidence, dating, and image game, guides you in this episode to increase your style, emotional, and social intelligence, attract the right people, and show up as your most authentically confident self!
Listen and get some game-changing tips to level up your dating skills and social interactions. You don't want to miss Kimmy’s Charisma Quotient formula, and her take on body language, vulnerability, and building authentic connections.
“I was thinking about being different, but I wasn’t doing anything to be different.” – (Kimmy), 6:43
The Power of Clothing: "So I now call it the dating costume, like, everybody needs to get a good dating costume because it really will make a difference in how you enter the room, but also how you feel inside." - (Kimmy), 10:00
Tune in as Kimmy speaks about how the clothes you wear communicate multiple messages to those around you. Learn how Kimmy changed her life simply by trying on a red dress.
“I always say to people, it’s not about the facts that people are interested in; it’s about the feeling they have with you.” – (Kimmy), 12:39
The Power of Body Language: "What is written on our face, The movement in our body tells a 1,000 words." – (Kimmy), 14:13
Make a Game of It: Gaining the confidence you need to approach someone doesn’t have to be hard. Listen as Kimmy gives you insights you can use to gamify this process, grow, and lay the foundation for meeting someone special all at the same time!
“You can be the best person in the world, but if you’re not marketing yourself, then love will pass you by.” (Kimmy), 14:38
Body Language and Fear: "One of the things or the first steps that I'll say about body language to practice is that it is more about your fears around it. So, look at the reason why you're not putting yourself out there or why you're not being open or smiley or connecting, you know, in that way. Is it because maybe you've been hurt?" – (Kimmy), 15:49
Find inspiration as Kimmy opens up and goes deep about the challenges she faced after her divorce, the importance of being honest with the person you see when you look in the mirror, and the role honesty continues to play in your journey. Discover the art of flirting, eye contact, and dating in the second act of life!
Listen as we go deep into the concept of body language and how your body speaks louder than your face, the Three Second Rule, and the role of hair in the flirting process! Get ready to feel empowered and ready to conquer the world (or at least your life) after listening to this episode!
“The biggest mistake that people make is that they go online and go vetting for their next girlfriend or boyfriend.” – (Kimmy), 24:49
“The only way to get over a fear is to lean into the discomfort. No one changes in a state of comfort.” (Kimmy), 33:29
In this episode:
(2:36) – The Red Dress Moment.
(3:55) – How your clothes reflect your life.
(5:46) – Retail therapy to the rescue.
(6:31) – The red dress that changed everything.
(8:23) – How you market yourself.
(8:44) – The dressing room moment everyone has.
(9:30) – Understanding ‘Enclosed Cognition’.
(10:02) – Why you need a good dating costume.
(11:48) – Confidence skills you need.
(13:04) – Why conversations that create connections are important.
(13:33) – People assess you by your clothes, attitude, and body language.
(14:16) – Your body speaks louder than your face.
(14:30) – The concept of flirting.
(17:03) – Good body language takes time and effort.
(18:25) – Why high achievers often fail at these techniques.
(19:13) – The role of hair in flirting.
(20:45) – The Three Second Rule and how to apply it.
(22:02) – Women have to give the signals to draw men to them.
(22:57) – The Golden Bachelor and the second act of dating.
(25:00) – The second act should consist of dating yourself for a time.
(25:36) – Dating advice for high achievers.
(29:10) – The ups and downs of dating.
(32:20) – The importance of a great support system.
(33:30) – Walking through your fears.
(34:03) – Taking action isn’t easy, but here’s why you need to do it.
Resources and Links
52 Weeks of Hope
Kimmy Seltzer
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Kimmy [00:00:00] The only way to get over a fear is to lean into the discomfort. No one changes in the state of comfort. So if you're in your cocoon and it's really comfy under your blanket, that's great, but you're not going to move the needle that way. And a lot of times people aren't ready or they don't want to move the needle like they like staying under the covers. But I will say this. The longer you stay in those covers, the harder it is to crawl out.
Lauren [00:00:25] Are you a burnt-out overachiever, buried in responsibilities? Do you miss laughing with your friends just laughing from the gut? Do you remember that? Do you feel like life's passing you by? If you've been wishing for some kind of a shift, you're in the right place. Welcome to 52 Weeks of Hope. The show where we take you off the hamster wheel by ditching the to-do list for the to-don't list. This is where you get to learn how to make that lonely ache vanish. Learn self-compassion techniques and to give yourself grace. I'm Lauren Abrams, I get to help you feel that magic again since going through my own dark night of the soul. So you can learn from my experience and the mentors and experts I meet along the way. Today we're talking to a confidence therapist, image expert, a dating coach for women over 40, Kimmy Seltzer. Have you ever wondered if there's a secret sauce to confidence? If there's something you could do to be more confident today? Well, there is and you're in luck because we have the confidence guru here right now letting you know what that is and what you could do to be your best, most confident self and attract what you want in your life. Meet the dating coach you want to know. Welcome to 52 Weeks of Hope, Kimmy.
[00:01:32] Hi. Oh, my God. I love your introduction so much.
Lauren [00:01:37] Okay. I loved watching your TEDx talk, and I know you've been all over the press and doing all the shows and everything else. I love your TEDx talk. Well, we should probably talk about your red dress moment because...
Kimmy [00:01:50] Yeah, I'm glad you asked about that. Well, and really, that's why I love what I do. I'm so passionate about what I do because, you know, sometimes people will read my bio. And as much as my professional experience has been amazing and I feel blessed because I feel like I can offer a lot to helping people, it was really my own hot mess that I came. From and that really kind of catapulted me into just helping others now because, you know, when I was going through it, I had wished that there was one of me like, I wish there was more support out there. And I just love to that this is becoming more in the media around dating in the second act, as I call it, because it is different, you know. And so, yeah, my red dress moment and my Ted talk was around my mass and I'm from Chicago and I had a very cushy traditional life. I practiced as a therapist for many years. I had, you know, the picket fence, the the dog, the kids, the husband. I saw the kids, by the way. But you see where the story line. And so, yeah, I mean, I really thought that everything was going on as planned. I thought this was kind of my good Midwest life until we all as a family one day picked up and we moved across the country and we plopped ourselves down here in la la la land, as I call it. And I joke, we did. We did what all the other people here do. We get a divorce joke? I mean, look, you live in L.A., too. I obviously like I like to blame L.A., But the truth is, I would have been here anyway. And I think what happened is when I was stripped from kind of a cushion and insulated, like with my friends and my busyness around me, I didn't really see the problems that were ahead of me. And it wasn't till I was removed from the cushion that, you know, like I was faced with that. And almost immediately that's when the record stopped and my traditional life completely disappeared. And I didn't honestly know what I was going to do with my new life. I was in a very dark place and I close reflected it, by the way. Like I there I was like, I would not be wearing this bright red blouse. My wardrobe consisted of all black, maybe a splash of beige. You still had the nursing bras on and the flip-flops. And my hair was like, I just I was a hot mess for sure. And I was stuck in kind of my mindset and my clothes reflect of that, you know, just being stuck. And here's the kicker, and it's not something that I actually realized until I started doing this, that I believed up until that point that you really had to work from the inside out in order to create change, in order to work on yourself. And so I did the work. The first thing I did was go to therapy myself. I had counselling. I had all my friends rally around me. Yet still I could not get out of my own way. And the funny thing is, is I almost used therapy as a crutch, I'll be honest with you. Like I, I felt like it was almost this analysis, analysis, paralysis that I was falling into. And then people would ask me, Well, Kimmy, you should go out there and date and, you know, why aren't you dating? And I would just say, Oh, well, I'm doing the work, right? Like we asked, Oh, I'm just doing the work. But what did that mean? Was I just like rocking in a chair, you know, like analyzing everything to death. And I wasn't taking action until one day and this is what I talked about in my text that I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and, you know, there's those moments in your life where it just hits you. It hit me. I looked at myself and I'm like, Oh, my God, what happened to me? I look like a mess. And I said, you know, nothing's working and nothing's fitting me, so I'm just going to go shopping. This is what I did, like very untraditional shopping.
Lauren [00:05:45] Retail therapy?
Kimmy [00:05:48] Retail therapy. And so I go to the store and I think I'm upper level like myself. But now what am I doing? The same thing. I am putting all the black clothes in my arms and roaming the store. And this personal shopper, she comes up to me and she says, Ma'am, I've been watching you and I really think you should try this on. And she holds up a red dress that looked like three sizes too small. I said, That's really sweet of you, but that's not my size, and it's really red. She said, Honey, that is your size. That is your color. Try it on. And it was like she hit me over the head with that red dress. And I now refer that moment to my red dress moment. And it's the moment when kind of lightning strikes right? Where you wake up and you you have an epiphany. You realize something. And I realize in that moment I'm like, gosh, she's right. I was just thinking about being different, but I wasn't doing anything to be different. And so I'm like, I need to do something different. I need to viscerally feel in my body something. So I slip on the dress I twirl around like Cinderella, and I look in the mirror once again. And yeah, there I was.
Lauren [00:07:00] I was like, Oh my God, a princess.
Kimmy [00:07:03] And I really like it was. It felt like a fairy tale kind of moment. And I bought that dress that day, and I walked out into the world and I bought it as a costume because I still don't really believe it. And I'm like, I'm just going to wear it everywhere. And I did. I wore it to the coffee shop for it, to the grocery store. Even walking my dog and hair is was the aha moment. I noticed that men were checking me out and I didn't like it. And here I was like thinking, Oh, we're just going to do it for me. And I'm like, Oh my God. This whole time I've been using these black clothes as a black cloak to keep me invisible from men. It was really like my protection mechanism. And so I really just had to get used to being seen. And it wasn't easy. Let me tell you. So.
Lauren [00:07:54] And then you had other work to do. I end up being like, Oh, now I need to work on this.
Kimmy [00:08:01] I finally got over being seen. And I'm like, Oh, well, now I have to talk to you, Alien man. I'm like, okay, so next problem, right? And there was always like challenges and problems along the way, which obviously, like, now I help people with. And I realized also that there was a symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner when it comes to confidence that it's not superficial. How we look, how we market ourselves is directly like affected into our body, into the way we express ourselves, into the way we feel about ourselves. And I love it because, like, there's not too many things in life, if you think about it, it has that instant gratification, right? Like the inner work takes time. But when I see people walking out of the dressing room and they're standing a little taller and they have a skip in their step and they get feedback that they're beautiful or they're handsome like it all works together. And so much research out there talks about that impact. So that's why I just love doing what I do. So now I flip the script and I work from the outside in, and I do that with my magic formula called the Charisma Quotient, which is the name of my podcast, but also, you know, kind of how I help people. So that is my story.
Lauren [00:09:16] You know, and it's incredible because here you are a trained therapist for years and it's like you took a red dress moment.
Kimmy [00:09:24] It really is incredible. And you know what studies have shown there's even a term called and clothed cognition, meaning that there are shifts that go on in the brain when you're wearing like a certain outfit and your performance actually goes up and it impacts like your body's signals, right? And that determines how people treat us. So it's super important. Like in the business world, a lot of times people realize that and you get a new wardrobe. You know, if you're going networking or you have a speaking gig or whatever it is. But a lot of times people don't think about it in ways of dating and relating, and it's super impactful. So I, I now call it the dating costume. Like everybody needs to get a good dating costume because it really will make a difference in how you enter the room, but also how you feel inside.
Lauren [00:10:10] Yeah, definitely. Others. But in other areas besides dating, I mean, just that confidence. Because people have been so isolated. And now to actually go out, even they feel self-conscious. How do you get beyond that and just go out? Like what suggestions are there?
Kimmy [00:10:33] Yeah, I'm glad you asked that. Well, as I mentioned, I have this charisma quotient formula and the outside I call your style intelligence. Right. That's what we were talking about before in the ways of, you know, what you're wearing, your first impressions, your body language, all of that impacts just how you even interact with the world, right? So that's the first thing. The second is your emotional intelligence, how we like connect through vulnerability, and authenticity, how we express ourselves, how resilient we are, and how like we feel about our self-worth. And then it's your social intelligence, how we manage interpersonal communication. And yes, that includes flirting. So as you know, flirting is a big part of my business. I actually have a flirt workshop coming up, as I mentioned. And it's all intertwined in ways of of just interacting with people. And you're right like the pandemic doesn't help. So even if you were an extrovert before, I think all of our social muscles got a little atrophied. And so I think people just feel rusty and dusty when it comes to just even saying hi to people. So no matter what program that people are in or how I help them, that is one of the things I'm always teaching, is what are some skills that you need to feel more confident, You know, is it your body language? You know, is it just like practicing, making eye contact, smiling and saying hi in the grocery store? Is it what you're wearing? Is it your energy And how like flirtatious and open you are? Is it the conversation skills? And that's another big part because you are asking like, how can people interact? I do so much teaching around how to create a meaningful conversation where people want to move on with you. Like I remember meeting you, you know, like when we were at that conference together, like it was memorable. Why? Because well, first of all, you look fantastic. And I loved the way that you were addressing your energy. But it was our conversation. It was the stories that we shared and the feelings that we had. And I always say to people, it's not about the facts that people are interested in you. It's about the feeling they have when they're with you. And so people get caught up in like spewing facts back and forth or on a date, it becomes a Q&A session. What's so boring like, that's why people come back and say, Oh, I didn't feel the chemistry, you know? But the reality is, is when you just have a nonsensical kind of whimsical, fun conversation that has lots of stories and emotions, that's about our conversation that is going to create that connection.
Lauren [00:13:12] Yeah, definitely. So. Okay, let's talk about body language first. What tell us. Enlighten us on body language.
Kimmy [00:13:20] Yeah. So what's fascinating is that 93% of communication is nonverbal. So again, what you say isn't even as important as how you show up. And in those first impressions, people are making judgments and assumptions based on two things. And this is research based. This isn't me just saying this one is the clothes that you wear and the other is the attitude or the body language that you have. And so a lot of times, you know, people don't realize how they're coming across like I do a lot of in field work, or I'll go out with people and I help them interact or help them flirt. I now have these dating retreats where we're like constantly practicing. And what I see out there is that, you know, a lot of people are thinkers. They're high achievers. They're thinking about what to say, yet they're not in their body or they look stiff or they look tense. You know what is written on our face? The movement in our body tells a thousand words, right? So I do a lot of work and I do that. I have this whole like, body signal system that I actually teach in my workshops, and it really is paying attention to different body parts and practicing that so that you are seen differently because again, like you can be the best person in the world, but if you're not marketing yourself, then love will pass you by or even just connections.
Lauren [00:14:45] So are there things people are saying because everybody probably care. And of course I'll have links to everything and and look at Kimmy's social media because she posts a lot of this on there. It is very fun to watch. But are there things that somebody listening could practice doing? Because, I mean, I've said to people, they're like, No, I'm happy. And I feel like saying, well, tell your face where it, you know, like are those say they're feeling. A certain way, and I can't tell that from looking at you at all. And, you know, I would not say that unless it's somebody I could change.
Kimmy [00:15:18] I'm sorry.
Lauren [00:15:18] But I am pretty blunt and I will go directly to somebody anyway. Are there tools or perks that you could give to some people listening?
Kimmy [00:15:27] Oh, my gosh, yes. And I love that you are blunt with people like that. And I think people appreciate that because it's hard to see yourself. I mean, that's the first thing is when I talk about body language, a lot of times people don't have that awareness until I ask the question and they're like, Well, come to think of it, I'm not sure how I come across. And one of the things or the first steps that I'll say about body language or practice is that it is more about your fears around it. So, you know, look at the reason why you're not putting yourself out there or why are not being open or smiley or connecting in that way. Is it because maybe you've been hurt? You know, and as a therapist, I always like to look at people's history because it's not one size fits all. You know, there might be a ton of fear if you've been abused or if you've had some really kind of toxic relationships. It might be hard to make eye contact and be all smiley when you're truly scared inside. You know, it could be part of your upbringing. You know, maybe you also were you know, you were in a home and a cultural background where body language wasn't like maybe reinforced or accepted. I coached somebody actually in Shanghai, and it was really fascinating going over there because, you know, no one made eye contact. It wasn't even polite, you know, So there's different like cultural nuances to people's. You have to appreciate your own background and what is preventing you from getting out there. So that's the first thing. The second thing is it takes practice, practice, practice. It's like a muscle. It's like going to a gym. So if you are not used to smiling, if you're not used to making eye contact, then just take that. Just take that little transaction and practice over a period of time and do that in a way that is almost like gamified. You know, this is what I do with my clients. I do in all my programs and like, forget about just approaching a woman or a man. Let's just start with the eye contact, because so starting small is going to add up to the bigger one and it's more digestible and it'll build your confidence when you actually have success in that small transaction. Right. And so if you just go to the grocery store and say, okay, I'm going to make eye contact with five guys every single day for five days and just see what happens and then journal about it, you know, and I think that's the name of the game because really what confidence is and I love your show focusing on this, and especially if you're a high achiever and are perfectionist, it's hard like because you'll be frozen doing some of these things because you'll want to shoot for the outcome. Like I want to just flirt, right? Like it's like, okay, well, what are the many steps that you need to take to get there? And so that's why people who are high achievers often stay frozen in this area, because if they feel like they're going to fail or not do something right or they're not good enough, they'd rather not do it at all. But this way you have these many wins along the way. It'll add up to that success that you're going for. And so I think when you do that, like, it's really kind of pulling in and looking at, All right, well, I had some wins here. What happened? How did I feel? And then you up the ante. It's like, okay, now I'm going to make eye contact, smile and say hi, you know, like and just keep going until you finally start feeling better. And it it will snowball into other areas of your life. Like it. It's not just about the eye contact, you know, It's not just about twirling your hair. It's it's the kind of little things that you can do with your hair.
Lauren [00:19:19] Does that work?
Kimmy [00:19:21] It does work, right? Oh, yeah. So you and I. I'm not kidding. And research shows that actually for both men and women, this is this is interesting. Women will play with their hair when they're interested in a guy subconsciously. But you can also do it on a conscious level. So if you're just like kind of doing this. It's really sexy to a guy and go the way like shuffle their hair or kind of play with their hair when they're interested in a woman in that. Fascinating.
Lauren [00:19:53] Yes. Okay. What else? That's that is great. So does it still work when you're married? Are going to be like, oh, totally.
Kimmy [00:20:00] Yes, you can. I love that. Try it on your hubby tonight.
Lauren [00:20:06] Yeah. Got to say it with a little. Had children all smile and say my.
Kimmy [00:20:10] Mommy or hi babe you whatever it does.
Lauren [00:20:13] Yeah.
Kimmy [00:20:14] Really respond to that? Yeah. Yeah, That's great. It's fun. I mean, there's so many, like, little tricks and things about body language that you would be astounded with that are so impactful and effective with the app.
Lauren [00:20:28] Okay, What else? That was great. Yeah. Yeah.
Kimmy [00:20:30] Oh, yeah. Well, I always talk about the three second rule. I didn't make this up, actually. Like, you can read about three Typekit rule.
Lauren [00:20:38] I thought that was food falling on the floor was a kid.
Kimmy [00:20:40] There's different connotations for different areas.
Lauren [00:20:43] Yeah. So. Okay, wait, what's the three seconds?
Kimmy [00:20:45] Yeah, the three-second rule is basically where let's say you're at a public place and you're talking to your friends and you see a really cute guy ahead of you. And what the three-second rule is, you know, you check out the guy. You look back at your friend. And then you look back at him. And so it's one, two, three, like that. And that's okay.
Lauren [00:21:11] Okay. So anybody who's listening, not watching the recording cam just looked forward, turned her head back and then looked forward again. So one, two, three.
Kimmy [00:21:24] Yeah. And the reason why that's effective it's so simple is that that second look at him reassures him that it wasn't a fluke. Because you have to understand, like, guys think everything's a footway. She just look at me. You know, like they they also want that kind of like, confidence and reassurance that you are, in fact, checking that guy out to give him the confidence to then come hither and approach you. And here's what they always say. Both men and women have responsibility and approachability. It's not just the man's job to come up to the woman. A woman has got to give the signals that she's open to it and have her cab light on and say hello, I'm open for business. Come. I'm friendly, you know. And so this is why a lot of people are not meeting like you were asking about that is that I think everybody's just sitting there in fear. I think it's getting confusing out there them, you know, especially with the man's role and the woman's role and all of this stuff. But this is why we're at a stalemate, because the men are like, well, the women don't look approachable and then the women are getting mad at the men. It's like, no, guys are approaching me. So like, no one's meeting anybody. And that's why this body language signals are so important and yet so simple, really. But we make it more complex. We make it way bigger in our head than it actually is.
Lauren [00:22:49] Okay. Now, those are those are just very fun and easy. So you've been interviewing a whole bunch with this golden bachelor thing. So what what are the most the questions you keep getting asked again and again and again about that?
Kimmy [00:23:06] Yeah, first of all, I just love this show so much. Just finally there's like focus on people who are dating in the second act, as I call it, or if you're over 40, I just, you know, and a lot of what it's highlighting is how different everybody is later in life and what they're looking for. And so people have been asking and talking about, well, how is dating different in the second act and what are some challenges that people have and what are the benefits that people have? So I love this conversation because it can be a beautiful time in your life, yet it can be overwhelming and daunting. So it's just knowing how to put yourself out there because, I mean, let's face it, when you're in your 20s, you almost have the infrastructure of your social life. People are kind of in the same place. You might be in an environment where people are social and going out, especially if you're in college. Well, in theory, you and I had before, right? Yeah. I don't know much about marijuana. Yeah, there are no lobby apps, but in theory at least they have a little bit different kind of opportunity than when people are later in life. Because the other thing is, is that everyone's in different places in their life. So you have married friendship coupled off friends and when you get single, you look around, you realize, oh my gosh, I don't have any single friends. So it's hard to have that single fun body energy going out there. So yeah, like I've been talking a lot about developing dating plans, just like business plans, creating mission statements for your dating life, how to flirt, the importance of like conversation flow, and really focusing on the skills as an outcome rather than I need another boyfriend or girlfriend. That's the biggest, biggest mistake that people make is they go online and they're voting for their next boyfriend and girlfriend. And 99% of the time, what they really need to do is just focus on dating themselves to really understand who they are this time around, and then who they want to attract this time around.
Lauren [00:25:09] Mm hmm. Yeah. Do the work. And I mean, it'll happen when it happens. Are supposed to it all unfold the way it's supposed to? I'm such a believer in that. So for the overachieving type errors that are like, I want what I want and like it's going to happen but they don't take you know, as they don't take that breath so they don't even know what they want. What would you tell them?
Kimmy [00:25:33] Well, I would say I mean, I work with a lot of you high achievers if you're listening. So I understand. I understand that. And what serves you and maybe your business life or your parent life, it actually can really make you crash and burn with that dating thing. Because even if you look at the definition of flirting, I love talking about this. If you look in the dictionary, it says to behave as though you were attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome. Now, that last part is why so many people don't learn, right? They'll say, Well, I don't want to turn it on to some person I'm not interested in. I, you know, don't know how I'm fearful of rejection, blah, blah. Like all this conversation that goes on in the head and that also relates to dating. But the truth is that solid dating supposed to be it's supposed to be about being in the moment, being present, connecting, and having fun. Oh, my God. That's another thing that I see with high achievers is that they don't think dating is fun. Well, I understand that because they're treating it like a business and they're vetting really hard and who they're going to say yes to. And, you know, and they go on these dates with like these questions, like a Q&A session and an interview process. And I mean, I'm sorry, but that's not fun. Like, you can go on LinkedIn for that, right? Like, so really helping high achievers kind of pull back and just having fun and being playful, which is really super hard. And with that, just, you know, teaching them the beauty of being curious. Like I use the metaphor all the time of kids. I love kids so much because they don't have an agenda. They're not attached to the outcome. I'm talking about like small kids.
Lauren [00:27:23] I know.
Kimmy [00:27:24] Yeah, right. They just go on a playground or are they going to like, Oh, Johnny, what are you doing? Can I play with you like they don't think about, Oh, Johnny looks really busy, you know? So having more of that childlike type of attitude is what's so beautiful? Like when I do my flirt workshops or my dating retreats. That's one of the things I really help people with. Like, I'll make the women wear cat ears and go out and be goofy out in the field, you know, I'll make the men be just as goofy with different things that I give them to do. And I think that gamification, you know, and just. Making it more fun also takes kind of the scariness out of it because if you just focus on that moment. It becomes easier. And I will I will. And kind of this topic on this is that a lot of times when you're dating later in life and if you've been a high achiever, you worry about a lot of the stuff that's happened in the past. Right? So then maybe you're vetting these people to prevent them from getting hurt, right? So you're betting really hard and you don't want that outcome to be the same or you're so focused on the future that that's why the present gets really hard. And so the more you can kind of detach from the past in the future and just be here in the now and the present, that's what makes dating fun and way easier and you'll attract a better partner for it.
Lauren [00:28:50] Oh, that's so good. Okay, so what's the hardest challenge you've ever? That you've ever gone through? And how did you get through it?
Kimmy [00:28:57] Well, I mean, I think I told it at the beginning of this book. Yeah, it was definitely my red dress, Mom. I mean, I've had I've had so many other challenges. And here's what I will say about just dating. There are so many ups and downs. And this is any age. It's not just our age, Right? It's it's hard. What I came to realize is the things in the beginning that seemed really hard and challenging ended up being my gift. I mean, my God, like, if you saw me try to go out there and flirt the very thing that was just my nemesis, my pain point, I'm like, I haven't done this since like college or I don't even know if I knew how to flirt, even in college, to be honest. And it's the very thing that challenged me that now I teach like, think of it like that, because really, these are gifts in disguise. We don't see it at the time, but it's what you do with it, how you take it in and how you can be gentle on yourself and even use it to lean into that vulnerability to make those more like authentic connections. That's the name of the game. So instead, like, let's say you're on Bumble and you're getting a ton of people ghosting you. Well, if you take that hit every time as rejection, then that's what's going to be the challenge for you, you know, and you're going to hate dating and that. So the beauty in it is like, wow, I'm so glad that guy ghosted me because he saved me a lot of time and heartache, thank God, like. So it's not until you take it that way that then, you know, you've kind of crossed the bridge. And also dating will be a lot more fun. So all my adversity, all the challenges that I've had along the way, they weren't fun at the time, but now I built that resilience around it where I mean, look, I'm teaching it now and I'm just determined to help so many people with that too.
Lauren [00:30:55] Yeah. Do you have a message you hope you want to give?
Kimmy [00:30:59] Yeah, I think that. It's what I said before if you can. Dating is about really more focusing on the skills than the relationship. And if you can pull back and really focus on just these small little wins that you can do for yourself, that will add up to the bigger picture and you will get what you want. But it is about changing your mindset. It's about changing your approach and changing your perspective That's going to get to where you want to go. And if that is not happening, what do you need to do to put yourself in action to kind of override that? Because really all that is is a habit and fear. And that's why I call myself a strategist more than anything else than a coach or a therapist because I just believe we all need strategies to override those like old habits.
Lauren [00:31:51] Now, how do you get through your own fears when you have them? I mean, you weren't always on TV. You weren't always doing all of this. There have to have been other fears. I'm just.
Kimmy [00:32:01] Oh, I don't have any fear.
Lauren [00:32:03] Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You got you got through changing your wardrobe. You're going through dating, getting through, getting out of bed when you couldn't.
Kimmy [00:32:13] Yeah. You know, I will say, the thing that helped me the most, first of all, is having a good support system. I think that's huge. You know, it wasn't until I got myself a good set of wings. We called ourselves the Sex and the City Gals, and we started going out there and practising and flirting and giving each other that rah rah and positivity is when things really started happening for me. It's so hard combating the loneliness and also the fears that are attached to that because that will keep you in your house, that'll keep you in your cocoon. So whatever it is like, get a good support system. It's so important. That's why right now all my programs are focused on community, you know, whether it's my six-month course or, you know, and they're all coed. No longer am I doing like, just men, just women. Like we need we need each other. We need to debunk myths that we have about the opposite sex. And it's like, why are we separating the boys and girls like? And because for me, that's what happened is that I needed to experience dating a lot of different men to override my thinking about what men were, especially after my divorce. The second thing was practice, practice, practice. Put myself into action. The only way to get over a fear is to lean into the discomfort. No one changes in the state of comfort. So if you're in your cocoon and it's really comfy under your blanket, that's great, but you're not going to move the needle that way. And a lot of times people aren't ready or they don't want to move the needle like they like staying under the covers. But I will say this. The longer you stay in those covers, the harder it is to crawl out. And so if it's been a long time. You know, at what point do you want to, like, stop wasting time and start really like taking action in this part? And it's not easy. That's why I like the support systems really important and the practice piece. And then third thing is get a good coach, get just somebody like a mentor who can hold you accountable because it's so easy to slip back. I mean, I definitely had my own mentors and it doesn't have to be even like a traditional therapist. It could be a personal trainer, it can be a stylist, it can be a dating coach like me, or whatever it is like that.
Lauren [00:34:29] No ability. Accountability partners are huge, huge.
Kimmy [00:34:34] Huge. So I say those are the top three that help me in that I always try to help others with.
Lauren [00:34:40] Yeah, those are great. Oh, this is so good. And like I said, I will have links for everything for Kimmy and her new program coming up. And this is great. Thank you so much for being our guest today on 52 Weeks of Hope.
Kimmy [00:34:52] Thank you so much. I loved the conversation. It was awesome.
Lauren [00:34:56] I hope you enjoyed this week's episode and take with you the messages of honesty, connection and transformation. Such fulfilling messages to take into your week ahead. Be sure to share the episode with your friends and to write and review the podcast so more people feel less alone in the overwhelm and to remember the pause. Answers emerge in the pause, and instead of adding to your to-do list, how about a to-don't list? Be sure to tune in next week when you get to hear author, PR guru, podcaster and so much more, Lisa Beyer.Do you know about detachment? Did you know there are all kinds of areas you can detach from work, toxic relationships, and even digital devices? Tune in next week and you get to learn how to create space and balance in your life and still be super successful. Make money and own your time and your life. Author of Digital Detox. It's a super helpful and interesting episode as well as a really empowering episode. She helps you feel your best and most authentic self. Also, she helps you manifest. She's into all kinds of manifesting techniques and strategies you're going to love Lisa That's next week's episode. And until next week, I'm Lauren Abrams. Thanks for listening.