Silencing Your Inner Critic: Steps to Speak with Love & Boost Your Confidence with Scott Stabile
Are you sick of comparison and despair? Comparing your insides to someone else's outsides? Listen right now and learn how to stop the negative self-talk, discover self-compassion techniques, heal your past trauma, and move into the version of yourself you know you’re meant to be!
“Every human being on this planet is dealing with some aspect of traumatic childhoods.” – Scott, (3:54)
Listen and learn how to love and accept yourself fully and give yourself the kindness and grace you deserve. Self-love is a skill, and you get to develop that skill. Uncover the secrets of detaching from your negative thoughts and insert some curiosity and humor into your internal dialogue.
“All of us; every single human being on the planet longs to give love and receive love.” – Scott, (6:20)
"I was constantly shaming myself because I wasn't this enlightened soul instead of bringing love and grace to where I was and am. And for me, that's the essence of enough as you are." – Scott, (10:21)
You're in for a treat hearing from author Scott Stabile, suggesting practical techniques like heart-centered communications, self-love journaling, and heartfelt letter writing to different facets of yourself.
He shares vulnerable moments of his life, including the loss of his parents and leaving a spiritual community, and opens up about his path toward healing and self-acceptance. He now makes it his mission, to help you reach your highest authentic truth and share your gifts without being in a constant judgy state.
“I’ve never shamed myself into healing, but have loved myself into a much more healed space.” – Scott, (13:40)
Discover practical tips for embracing self-love in your day-to-day life as Scott guides you through the art of journaling with soul-searching questions.
If you've ever felt overwhelmed by loneliness or strive to find your inherent worth, this episode provides you a salve.
“So often our comfort zones are zones that have us feeling miserable, but misery becomes comfortable when it’s all we know.” – Scott, (28:05)
Learn how to identify negative self-talk and reframe your mindset through gentle, loving challenges to those thoughts. Unlock new epiphanies, as you remember that you are not your thoughts.
“We've been taught to believe what our mind is telling us instead of challenging, and we can challenge it in a really loving way. I'm not interested in going to war with my mind. That is a war I would lose time and again my mind is adept at fighting, but I am interested in challenging my mind when it's telling me a bunch of nonsense about myself or other people, when it's trying to take me out of love for myself and other people." – Scott, (16:17)
In This Episode
1:48 – Self-worth as a personal issue.
2:31- Operating from authenticity rather than a place of conditioning.
(4:02) – The impact of a single personal comment on you.
(4:50) – The power of living in alignment.
(5:50) – Aligning with the energy of love.
(6:04) – The benefits of inviting the energy of love into your life.
(10:53) – Your self-worth.
(11:24) – It’s what you do from ”right now” forward.
(11:47) – Being willing to love yourself.
(12:50) – The power of self-reflection.
(15:17) – The power of laughter.
(16:01) – The lies your mind tells you.
(17:42) – Loving yourself helps you show up for life.
(18:55) – Using the smallest instances to acknowledge your self-worth.
(19:45) – Starting a self-love journal.
(20:45) – The power of being honest with yourself when it comes to love.
(21:35) – The only thing that limits you from loving yourself fully.
(24:34) – How to pay attention to your thoughts without becoming them.
(25:02) – About giving your inner critic a voice..
(27:33) – How to deal with loneliness.
(28:03) – Stepping out of your comfort zone.
(28:48) – You’re not alone in your loneliness.
(30:40) – How breath helps you heal.
(34:22) – Scott’s message of hope.
Resources and Links
52 Weeks of Hope
Scott Stabile
Breathwork - https://www.scottstabile.com/breathwork
Private Workshops - https://www.scottstabile.com/private-workshops
Sacred Bali Retreat - https://www.meditationschool.us/bali-retreat-2024
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Lauren Abrams [00:00:00] Are you a burnt-out overachiever buried in responsibilities? Is your inner critic going nonstop? Do you miss laughing with your friends just laughing from the gut? Do you feel like life's passing you by? If you've been wishing for some kind of shift, you're in the right place.
Welcome to 52 Weeks of Hope, the show where we take you off the hamster wheel by ditching your to-do list for the to-don’t list. This is where you get to learn how to make that lonely ache vanish. Learn self-compassion techniques and to give yourself grace. I'm Lauren Abrams and I get to help you feel that magic again. Since going through my own dark night of the soul, so you can learn from my experience and the mentors and experts I meet along the way.
And today we're talking to author, inspirational leader, and self-improvement advocate Scott Stabile. You get to learn how to love and accept yourself fully and to stop damaging yourself with self-judgment. Learn strategies for challenging negative thoughts and how to stop spiraling. You're in for a real treat. Hearing from Scott, who has the best energy on the planet. He works for it daily, and he's going to give you tools so you can do the same. The author of I love this title, his book is called Enough as You Are. Welcome to 52 weeks to Hope, Scott.
Scott Stabile [00:01:07] Hey, thank you so much, Lauren. I'm happy to be here with you.
Lauren Abrams [00:01:10] Yeah, okay, so I've got so many marks in this book, and I'm holding it up, you're not watching it up, um, video.
And it seems to me, it's always like, it's always self-worth. Like, I know, peeling the onion, we get to different layers, we work through stuff. It seems like self-worth is always an issue.
Scott Stabile [00:01:27] Yeah, sure. All of us, right? I mean, I don't really think we grow up being taught how to love ourselves.
It's anything we grow up being taught that if we don't think this way, look this way, or feel this way, there's something wrong with us. Like we grow up with so much conditioning and it starts from the people who raise us, you know, our parents are caretakers and even the best parents of the world, the most loving meatballs parents of the world are going to condition their kids in certain ways that don't align with those.
And so for me part of this journey, and maybe you can relate and it's like, is looking at those places inside of us that are conditioned and looking at the ways in which we are operating from that conditioned place versus how we can operate from a more authentic place, a place that feels more honest in our hearts.
And then as much as possible, giving our energy to authenticity and eliminating the more conditioned responses, if they don't feel like they're in alignment with who we truly are.
Lauren Abrams [00:02:30] Which is great. And I love how you talk about it from this point on. But first, since you talked about parents, I mean, you talk openly about how your parents were shot when you were 14. Your brother agreed. So who I mean, that's, you know, you've certainly experienced tragedy. And so who raised you?
Scott Stabile [00:02:50] I moved in at 14 with my eldest sister and her husband and their son, my nephew at the time. So I was the youngest of seven kids. So I had there was a big, you know, support network in that way. That was certainly helpful. I can't imagine having gone through that with no siblings, you know.
Lauren Abrams [00:03:08] Right.
Scott Stabile [00:03:08] That was just how the circumstances change. It was a lot as a 14-year-old, obviously, as anybody at 14 is, you know, just being 14 and changing high schools and coming to terms with my sexuality, like a lot was going on in that moment, as well as losing my parents in a horrific way. And I also want to say, without in any way trying to downplay my own tragedies in adult years, dealt with trauma as a curse. It's like every human being on this planet is dealing with some aspects of a traumatic childhood, and it could be even just one comment. An adult you loved said to you in one moment of time like, you're to this or you're too much. Why are you always too much? Or why are you so lazy? And we internalize, we take these comments with us into our entire lives and we can shut ourselves down because of that one comment. Right? It's like, it's everyone listening, I suspect can relate to having had something said to them as a child that still can be triggered right now. And so when I speak about past trauma, I mean that there are any number of things as we go through life that can inhibit our most authentic expression. And so, in my experience, I feel most alive, most high, most excited when I'm living in alignment with my most authentic extract expression, which is love and whatever else the love invites.
Lauren Abrams [00:04:40] Right. So how did you start working on that? Because you don't get from there to where you are right now. So how did you begin the journey?
Scott Stabile [00:04:49] You know, I joined a cult in the Bay Area
Lauren Abrams [00:04:54] That's funny. That was kind of what, that's so stereotypical.
Scott Stabile [00:04:56] I know right? I went to San Francisco after college. And I got involved in this spiritual community and it ended in a very dark way. But the positives were tremendous, and the positives were it was surrounded by people who were focused on love, focused on becoming more loving, becoming more peaceful, giving their energy to that, on forgiveness, on all of these things that I believe add so much more beauty to our lives. And so that really opened me up to this understanding. Well, wait a minute, when I am aligning with the energy of love and I see love is just an energy like that. We have a choice. It's an energy that's alive within us, outside of us, and we have a choice over how much we play with this energy, and how much we invite it in. And whenever I was inviting the energy of love and acting from that place, or speaking from that place, I noticed I felt most at home and most okay. And so it just incentivized me more and more, well, look at what love is doing for me in my life. Look at how it's making me feel. And then really looking around and understanding as I see it. All of us, every single human being on the planet, longs to receive love and to give love. It is like the most innate desire. We're constantly coming up with excuses and justifications to be jerks and to be hateful and to shame ourselves and others. And when I started to just pay attention to the choices I was making that were out of sync with love, which are plenty because I'm a human and you know what I mean? I'm a jerk sometimes too, but as soon as possible kind of nudge your way back. Always of service in some way.
Lauren Abrams [00:06:35] Yeah. And being of service is huge. But how did you get out of a cult leader I don't just skip that.
Scott Stabile [00:06:42] We do a few episodes on that, I will say, as I was a student service guru for 13 years and I couldn't sell myself any more. On his enlightenment, he professed himself to be an enlightened master, which is what I believed for many years I was chasing enlightenment.
Lauren Abrams [00:06:58] And you have to be about that. I bet a dog eared it. Oh, here it is, I did, here it is. I stopped chasing enlightenment when I finally understood that attaining it was not within my power. Enlightenment is a gift. Like winning the spiritual lottery, not an achievement. What is within my power are my kindness, my compassion and my love. Anyway, that's page 130. Do you like the way I was able to just?
Scott Stabile [00:07:22] Yeah. That's good point.
Lauren Abrams [00:07:25] Okay. So go ahead.
Scott Stabile [00:07:27] No, really it was like one I couldn't reconcile what I was seeing in his behavior and make excuses for it anymore as enlightened behavior. And I knew that this was no longer the path for me. So it took me a year from that knowing to actually get the courage to tell him I didn't want to be a student anymore, in part because these people, this community, were my family.
Lauren Abrams [00:07:51] Yeah, they were.
Scott Stabile [00:07:52] The closest people in my life. And I knew that I could risk losing all of them as I said goodbye to him. And sure enough, when I did, he told them all to delete me from their lives. And they all did.
Lauren Abrams [00:08:03] So what did you do that must have?
Scott Stabile [00:08:05] Yeah. Oh, it was extremely traumatic. And that experience was heartbreaking. And it also affirmed my choice to leave. Do you know what I mean? It was worse. That's not unconditional love in my impression. So I have never regretted that choice. It was really hard in the moment. And I have like deep love for my former friends. And I also understand why they made the choice they made. When you have a guru and when you're in it, in the way I was in it. When your guru tells you to do something, you do it like that's the kind of cult it was. So I get why they deleted me, you know, it was painful. And I also understand it's like, no hard feelings, but Yeah.
Lauren Abrams [00:08:46] So what did you do after that?
Scott Stabile [00:08:48] You skipped life in my life. I mean, I wasn't very involved in that community, but I also had friends outside of it, and I.
Lauren Abrams [00:08:55] Wasn't an isolated an isolated cult-like where you weren't allowed to talk, I think.
Scott Stabile [00:09:02] No, I think some people took it on in that way a bit more so. But I never did. And no, we could have our outside friendships and I always maintained those. I always had a life outside of that community.
Lauren Abrams [00:09:12] Even though, okay, I just always wonder how people's spiritual journeys lead them to where they are.
Scott Stabile [00:09:17] Sure. But now that was such a powerful part of my spiritual journey, Lord, because for years, I mean, I was in that community for 13 years. So for that long, a primary focus of my life was being more loving, enlightened in owning my crap, like taking responsibility for how I'm showing up, owning my hypocrisies. And all of that was unbelievably valuable. And what I came to understand is I don't have to be chasing enlightenment to show up that way. I can just show up that way and allow that to lead me where it leads me. And what I found was that when I was chasing enlightenment, I was constantly judging myself against what I imagined to be the more enlightened version of myself, which is and it was so unhealthy. I was constantly shaming myself because I wasn't this enlightened soul. Instead of bringing love and grace to where I was and to Adam. And for me, that's the essence of enough as ou are. And a lot of the work I do, is just reminding people that it is possible to get in a good relationship with yourself right now as you are, without needing yourself to be anyone different or anything different in order for you to feel worthy of love. Can we accept that we're worthy as we are? It's inherent. Worth is not something that is predicated on success or looks or salary. None of that. It's it's just so when you start to own that understanding, it completely transforms how you move through the world.
Lauren Abrams [00:10:47] Yeah. It's not gained. So let's talk about those steps are the things that people can do. And you do talk about how you get to start from today.
Scott Stabile [00:10:56] Yeah I love to say. Then it's like first thing I would say to people is I just know that it's always what you do from this moment on that matters the most. So even if you've been in a fairly self-loathing relationship with yourself for 30 years, okay, here we are right now. What are we going to do from this moment on? And I think for me, the first step is really a willingness, right? I don't think that people, everyone is able to honestly say I love myself just as I am, but can you honestly say I'm willing to, like, are you willing to get in better relationship with yourself? That, for me is always a first step with everyone because that willingness is actually an act of self-love. A willingness to love yourself reflects loving yourself, even if you don't get into the vibe of I believe I love myself right? And then willingness and commitment. What is commitment look like? For me, it looks like looking at the choices I'm making in my life that don't necessarily reflect self-care and self-love, and as much as possible, beginning to eliminate those choices while at the same time really asking myself in an intentional way, like, what are the things that I can be doing in my life that actually stand to create more joy or more connection or more meaning? Right? Grab paper, grab pencil. Like, like write these things down and get them in your psyche so you can look at things that have you feeling better about your life in yourself and give your energy to those things in a more intentional way. And you can look at the things that have you feeling like crap about your life in about yourself and start eliminating them. And this is this is like one plus one equals two, right? It's very basic.
Lauren Abrams [00:12:43] Yeah. It's easy, it's simple.
Scott Stabile [00:12:44] But like we all struggle to do it sometimes. We all know what we should be doing for ourselves. But how many of us are actually doing it right? And I put myself in that group. I'm often making choices that are not the most healthy choices. And for me, self-love. The invitation from self-love is not that we make healthy choices all the time. It's how are we showing up for ourselves when we're not making the choices that we feel are the healthiest? Can we still give ourselves grace? Can we still give ourselves compassion? Can we still remind ourselves, I'm a human being and this too is part of the human experience? I've never shamed myself into healing, but I have loved myself into a much more healed space.
Lauren Abrams [00:13:27] I love that I've never shamed myself into healing. I mean, that's just for shame. Shame does no shame. So very low vibration. I'm grateful that I'm human. I love myself for being human is a much better place to go. I think it's also recognizing our negative self-talk. I was just telling somebody how I met a two-year mindfulness meditation teacher training program, and we're well into the second year and our mentor, a small mentor group, she's leading it before the class, a short meditation and my head's going during the meditation. Of course, it's I mean, that's what you do, and it does go right. And I was like, who do I think I am? Well, I can't teach meditation. I can't like, my head's going with what a fraud I am, this or that. And I was like, listen to me. And I had to laugh and I took care of it. And it did that in a few different areas within a week span of, I can call it imposter syndrome. You could call it negative self-talk, you could call it whatever. For the first time, I was able to reframe, I must be on the precipice of greatness to have this much negative self-talk. Or I got it in a matter of days. Yeah, it was the first time I was ever able to reframe it because. And it's the awareness and it's a willingness. I'm not always like that. Good. I was just aware. It's an awareness of it is all it is. I could laugh at myself.
Scott Stabile [00:14:52] In saying, that is so important that you said I have. I had to laugh because for me, that is one of the ways we get in better relationship with ourselves first and foremost. Really understanding that we are not our minds and we are not our thoughts. So whatever's playing through your mind only defines you if you allow it to define you. But if you can create some distance and practice it, bearing witness to your thoughts without becoming them engaging with your mind even when it's doing its crazy dance like if you can engage with it in a more nonchalant, curious, humorous way. Like you just said, just laugh at it like I so often I'm like, oh, there is my mind doing the insane thing that my mind is always doing. Trying to tell me I'm worthless. I think, what would I what I've gotten better at? I know what I've gotten better at. It's just not pleasing it. Our mind, so many of the starts playing through our minds are not true. And yet we've been taught to believe what our mind is telling us instead of to challenge it. And we can challenge it in a really loving way. I'm not interested in going to war with my mind. That is a war I would lose at a time. But again, my mind is adept at fighting, but I am interested in challenging my mind when it's telling me a bunch of nonsense about myself or other people when it's trying to take me out of love for myself and other people. I think there's great value in just being like not playing that game today, you know, and in just creating a different relationship. So we don't feel so controlled by our thoughts because that's where for me, most of the suffering is created. It's not about what I'm doing, it's about how I'm judging what I'm doing right. When I'm downing a pint of ice cream and enjoying the taste of ice cream, it only becomes miserable when my mind comes in and says, you're taking care of your body and you're a piece of crap, and it without all that noise, all I'm left with is ice cream.
Lauren Abrams [00:16:47] You might as well enjoy it. I love my sugar. I'm not going to lie. I mean, I'm going to enjoy it. I don't do a lot to strive for my vibe. I love my sugar. So, that's it.
Scott Stabile [00:17:02] Really they get like, it's understanding that it is always within our power to show up for ourselves with more compassion and more love, and then understand that love always transcends. So this is to say that when you get a deeper and more loving relationship with yourself, you're automatically going to be showing up for others in a different way, in a more loving way. It's the only possibility. It's how this stuff works. It's all energy. So foundationally, our relationship with ourselves informs how we show up for everything else in the world, which is why I think self-love is so critically important.
Lauren Abrams [00:17:39] Okay, so willingness is how you first teach people to be willing. Then, I mean, I love the title of the book Enough as You Are, but somebody is like, they don't believe that that's a hard place.
Scott Stabile [00:17:51] It's a place to go to. So one thing I would encourage people to do is because people are so apt to say, I don't take good care of myself. I don't love myself. I don't know how to love myself. I would invite people to really look at the different ways in which they are loving themselves. On an average day, when you are brushing your teeth, when you are preparing food for yourself, when you are putting on clothing that makes you feel good, this is all. These are all acts of self-care which are actually acts of self-love, right? And instead of taking those things for granted, what happens if we start to actually just even if it's for five or 10s to just acknowledge, this is me taking care of myself right now. This is me loving myself right now. Doing that does a couple things. One, it makes it harder for your mind to convince you that you don't know how to love yourself when you're actually centering yourself in these self-love moments throughout your day. And also because I see everything is energy, and energy naturally creates momentum. The more you are centering yourself in these self-love moments, the more you are going to be invited to participate with yourself in a more loving way. Because what we do, our minds naturally focus on the negative. They naturally focus on the ways we're not taking care of ourselves. They naturally go to self-abuse. So the more intentional we become about honoring those moments where we actually are aligned with self-care, the more we're serving that whole story. Right? So another thing I would recommend to people is start a self-love journal. Start a journal that is just devoted to self-love, and only write in that journal. When you are in a clear space in your head, like, don't write in that journal when you're feeling like crap about yourself, but things that you can put into that journal. If you can't say what you love about yourself, can you say the things that you appreciate about yourself? Just the word appreciation. Make it more palatable. You know, like I know Dixon of affirmations, but only when they're honest. I think that's the glitch in ours. If I'm sitting here saying I love myself completely, I love myself completely, but what I'm stealing is I don't like myself very much. That ceiling is going to trump these words. The vibration we're holding energetically is much stronger than any words I'm repeating. So what I encourage people to do is get to the most honest statement you can make. So if you can't say I love myself completely, can you say, honestly, I am willing to love myself completely, right? If you can't say I love this about myself, can you say I appreciate this about myself? That's a bit more of a gentler word that some people have an easier time getting to. It's like you brought up reframing earlier. For me, this is about looking at ways to reframe what is in a way that actually serves the relationship we have with ourselves.
Lauren Abrams [00:20:49] I want to just mention for everyone who's listening, and that watching that, Scott puts his hands on his heart when he's saying these words. Because I think that's really important. And it's such an act of self-compassion. Okay, keep going.
Scott Stabile [00:21:03] That well, I love that you brought it up. It's a great segue because that is another way we come into better feeling with ourselves is understanding that the only thing creating a negative relationship with ourselves is what's coming from our minds, what's coming from our ego, where we're in our heart center when we're in that place within that is just a universe of love. There is no communication that in any way would align with seeing us as less than the communication of the heart is always, you are beautiful. You are vital. You are vibrant, you are strong. You are all of these things. So if I know that I'm out of alignment with myself, it's an invitation to get back into my heart. And how do I do that? I mean, you can do that through a host of different ways, and you need to figure out what way is going to get you there. Meditation can be a way. If you're meditating on your heart center, you're meditating on the energy of love. You're inviting it into your life in a bigger way. I write letters sometimes, you know, dear love, I need you right now. I'm lost. I'm having trouble connecting with your energy. I'm mired in self-abuse. Please help me. We don't think we can ask for it.
Lauren Abrams [00:22:14] Never heard that. That's new for me. That is great.
Scott Stabile [00:22:18] Yeah. And letters are such a powerful way to communicate the different parts of ourselves. Like if you're mired in jealousy or envy, it's like, dear jealousy what are you trying to show me right now? This is really painful. This is really difficult. And is there a lesson here? See what comes out. What I've discovered, Lauren, is, you know, in all my workshops I use writing as a big tool.
Lauren Abrams [00:22:40] I know all the different letters. I've never heard any of these. These are good. Keep going. So go ahead.
Scott Stabile [00:22:44] So it's like when you write, when you put pen to paper and actually write something, what comes out is oftentimes very different than what can come from just trying to think through something. It's like new epiphanies, new perspectives, new possibilities can come out through writing. One of the practices I do, I call it soul writing, is I just ask the question, dear soul, what is it you would have me know right now? Then Elizabeth Gilbert, that great writer and human. She started a subset called letters from love, I think, and it's just an invitation for people to do what I just suggested with soul, do it with love, and recognize that there is an energetic place within you that's just all love. And it is. It never leaves you and it only loves you. That is the only thing it does. So what happens when you sit down and you invite the voice of the love into your life? Dear love, what is it you'd like me to know right now?
Lauren Abrams [00:23:41] I love that now. For somebody with their like they have all the negative self-talk going on. What would you suggest for that?
Scott Stabile [00:23:49] Just want to say to you, you're not alone in that. That is the human condition. I don't know a human being on the planet who doesn't have a lot of negative self-talk going on. And I'm someone who's really good at loving myself, and I have a mind that's still really good at abusing me. Right? So part of what's created for me, the possibility of centering in my heart more, is what I said earlier. It's the practice of paying attention to my thoughts without becoming them. There's a great spiritual metaphor for that which is to become the sky and allow your thoughts to be the clouds or the weather, so you don't take ownership of them. The sky is more expansive beyond whatever's happening within it. Right. And another thing I feel called to say, Lauren, I thought of this earlier. So I'm going to say this again I took a hypnosis workshop many years ago in New York, and this is the one thing I remember from it that the teacher recommended is we all have the inner critic. We all have the voice that's telling us we're lazy and stupid. Give that voice an actual voice and make it the most absurd voice you've ever heard in your life. So when it is abusing you, it's going to sound so. This is my inner critic's voice.
Lauren Abrams [00:24:58] You're so stupid and silly and dumb.
Scott Stabile [00:25:03] That is the voice I give to it when I remember to do so. And when that is the voice that's criticizing you, it's very hard to take it seriously. And we don't need to take our minds' voices seriously most of the time. So one thing it does is it brings a bit of levity to this human experience, and it energetically shifts the moment. Like if all of a sudden you're going into where you've been. If you've been on the hamster wheel like other people, it interrupts energetically, what's going on there?
Lauren Abrams [00:25:34] Yeah, that's right.
Scott Stabile [00:25:35] It's fun. It works. It's effective. You know, I don't always remember to do it, but what I do, it's effective.
Lauren Abrams [00:25:42] Yeah, I love that. And back to the journaling and the questions. I was always taught not to on a keyboard because that is straight from the heart.
Scott Stabile [00:25:50] It's more effective. I signed as well. But at the same time, if you're resistant to that, get on the keyboard.
Lauren Abrams [00:25:56] You know what I mean?
Scott Stabile [00:25:56] It is better than not doing it. But I was gonna write something from pen to paper that comes out differently.
Lauren Abrams [00:26:02] Yeah, definitely. And then so many people are lonely. I just wanted to address that. The loneliness. And I'm always like, get out. Even if you're just taking a walk around the block, I do something to get out. What do you keep telling people these days?
Scott Stabile [00:26:16] You know, I'm having to tell that to myself because I've been doing a lot of loneliness lately. Honestly, it's been a real. And loneliness is the rule. It can be so heavy in moments like this. And I am being not all the time. Sometimes I mire in this loneliness, self-pitying ceiling, you know, and I'm making an effort to be more proactive. So for me, what that looks like is understanding that as someone who works from home and writes in it is a very isolated way of doing things. Getting out to coffee shops. I just joined a co-working space, actually, so that I'm not intentionally put myself in the presence of other people because I recognize what that does for my psyche. If I'm just staying in my home all day long, it's not the best thing for me. And I'm also an introvert. I'm really good with having a lot of space to myself. If loneliness is something you're going through again, and the first thing I would say is understand you're not alone in this, even though I know you're feeling loneliness. Like that's something that a lot of us are contending with in our lives. And then as much as possible, even if you steer toward introversion, like, just consider some really easy choices you could maybe make for yourself that would invite the presence and energy of other people and figure out for yourself what that is. You know, that could be attending in in-person meeting. If you're someone who likes meditation, find one. That's actually where people are meeting to meditate, right? Like we have to be willing to step out of our comfort zones. Ironically, so often our comfort zones are zones that actually help us feel miserable. But misery becomes comfortable when it's becomes what we know.
Lauren Abrams [00:27:57] Yeah, absolutely. No, I'm right there with you. I work from home do new things and step out.
Scott Stabile [00:28:04] Honestly, I listen to a lot of podcasts, and listening to podcasts like these helps me feel less lonely because what I'm hearing, there are more people who are aligned in the same way. More people out there talking about loves how we get into good relationships with ourselves, and how can we remain hopeful in all of these things that matter a lot to me. And I think in our loneliness, we can forget that actually, we're not alone in who we are and how we are. There are lots of other people out there, and that is one of the great gifts, I think, of the internet with all the dark side. There's the possibility to find others like us that we could potentially connect with.
Lauren Abrams [00:28:44] Oh, definitely. There are plenty of high-vibrating people. I'm so curious how if you're able to write in a co-working space, how that works out. I'm always under the impression that I need silence or I need my little to cocoon in and it's probably not true because I can tune stuff out if you do breathwork. I just want to patch up that really briefly. And how great for us work is for you and just that's what it is.
Scott Stabile [00:29:12] Have You tried transformational breathwork yet or have you only liked what you've heard about it.
Lauren Abrams [00:29:16] I tried going to meditate. I've done breathwork at unplug meditation here in Los Angeles. I've done that and I was not sure if it's true.
Scott Stabile [00:29:24] Is it a very active breath? It kind of. Yeah.
Lauren Abrams [00:29:27] Yeah. Oh okay. That's what it was. Yeah. You breathe breathe breathe breathe. It was really it's a game-changer.
Scott Stabile [00:29:33] Honestly, this is one of my favorite tools that I've ever, ever been introduced to and discovered. And I died it now usually about once a week online. And it's it takes you this specific breathing practice is incredibly powerful at moving stock energy in your body, which is why people who are doing this breathe, It's very common for people to cry hysterically. Or get into, like it's the breath can hit a pocket of frustration or rage, and people will be screaming and flailing and adding, there are some dramatic aspects of this. Others will lie entirely still and maybe not feel a whole lot of anything. But in general, our breath is one of the biggest tools we have to work with, I believe, to work with pain and trauma in our body and start removing it and clearing it out. I've had trippy experiences, or I talked to my parents, who've been dead for many years, and I'm not a medium. I've never had that experience. And in breathwork journeys, I've had clear communications with past loved ones, which blew my mind. And so it's there's really no saying where you go in this breathwork practice, but I can't encourage people enough to start integrating more breathwork into their lives if it's not a part, of because it's just it's one of the most powerful healers we have. And join me one night, sign me.
Lauren Abrams [00:30:55] I will all of Scott's links and everything in the show notes on my website on everything. So yeah, I definitely will. And maybe we'll do one of your practices. Can we do some lives? I would too. So what's the hardest challenge you've ever gone through and how did you get through it?
Scott Stabile [00:31:11] I mean, losing my parents for sure. That was the toughest. Did I? How did I get through it? I think at the time when I was 14 when I reflect back on those years after, I don't think anything I was doing was conscious. I didn't like making intentional choices. At 14, I felt like I was being protected, like something in me knew that to survive it, what I had to do was very it. And that is exactly what I did. I would have a good cry once a year. That was it. After the first few months after their deaths, It was like clockwork. Once a year I would cry, I would bury it, and then I was like a straight-A student and popular kid in a very like, normal high school experience. Outside of not having parents and all this, the stressors that created. But that was the way, I handled it until my early 20s, when that yearly cry was like three days in and not stopping. And I thought I was losing my mind. And I opened, yellow pages at the time, a phone book and opened to the psychotherapies section, or however, it was titled, and literally closed my eyes and pointed my finger on the page, and I called that will then. And I could afford six sessions at the time. And I met with her, and it was what was so important about that was really seeing I actually can be with all of my emotions around their death, and it's not going to kill me. And I think I was so afraid to let myself really feel the anguish and the rage. And then I started opening up to sealing everything I was feeling about it and allowing for that expression to come through. And then, you know, with, how do any of us get through any of our harder stuff? Like the sun keeps rising, we keep the living, and we do the best we can within the context of whatever grief we're experiencing or whatever. Right?
Lauren Abrams [00:33:06] Yeah. That's amazing. Are you the youngest of the seven?
Scott Stabile [00:33:10] I am, yes.
Lauren Abrams [00:33:12] So, when you learned all this, did you share it with your siblings?
Scott Stabile [00:33:15] I mean, I am who I am. So yes, I would say that it's funny when you're the youngest, you're always the youngest, you know. So my relationships with my siblings, I'm especially close with my three sisters and yeah, like we're we're friends. So yeah, we're but we're also on different I would say one of my siblings especially is on a very similar path as I. So the conversations we're able to have about all this stuff tend to go a bit deeper. But, you know, that's just the way of things. I share who I am. You know, they've read my books.
Lauren Abrams [00:33:49] But siblings are always different.
Scott Stabile [00:33:51] I always eyeglass there's a good batch of siblings. So for sure.
Lauren Abrams [00:33:56] That you're lucky. Okay. Do you have a message of hope you want to give?
Scott Stabile [00:33:59] The message of hope would be just one to remind people that their worth is inherent, and to remind you all that it is never too late to transform the relationship you have with yourself in your life. It is never too late in my excitement and hope. It's so large in that understanding that at any moment we can make different choices that are going to wholly influence our lives in different ways. So keep moving forward with intention, with willingness, with commitment, and with as much self-love as possible.
Lauren Abrams [00:34:30] Yeah. And you also talk about acceptance.
Scott Stabile [00:34:34] I mean that the whole book is basically that.
Lauren Abrams [00:34:37] Yeah. So it this book is so readable, you guys, you get and you get a hug while you're read it. You feel hugged. Thank you. It's not like it's you just you could open it anywhere and read a little passage and feel good. It's one of these books you just open it and it's so easy. It's such a feel-good read. You have to get this book.
Scott Stabile [00:34:58] It's incredible. Thank you.
Lauren Abrams [00:34:59] Yeah. Thank you. I don't always see anybody. Right. Everybody knows. I don't always say that. So. Okay. So much for being here.
Scott Stabile [00:35:07] Yes, you did. Thank you.
Lauren Abrams [00:35:08] Say that again. And it's all good. It's not his first four points. The first one I read about your out. Thank you so much for being a guest today on 52 Weeks of Hope.
Scott Stabile [00:35:18] Thanks.
Lauren Abrams [00:35:19] I hope you enjoyed this week's episode and take with you the messages of self-compassion, and the amazing journaling prompts that Scott gave us about. What would love have you love her? What are you trying to teach me right now? Love? Well, what is my soul trying to teach me? And also choosing self-care. Because you are worth it. And what did he say? He said, I've never shamed myself into healing, but I've loved myself into a much more healed space. Such fulfilling messages to take into your week ahead. Be sure to share the episode with your friends so more people feel less alone in the overwhelm and to remember the pause. Answers emerge in the pause, and instead of adding to your to-do list, how about a to-don’t list? Be sure to tune in next week when we're talking about what does your best life looks like. It's a super empowering episode, allowing you to feel more authentic and focused again. You do get to align with who you really want to be and do those things you really want to do. You're going to love this episode and we have a contest coming up. We'll give you away journals, free sessions with past guest, and a bunch of really amazing gifts. All you have to do is write and review the podcast, and then share it on social media, or email it to me. Take a screenshot and email it to me so that I know that you've done that. Follow us on YouTube. Take a picture, send that to me. Or just DM me. Or respond to the weekly email with a picture of your rating review and you'll be entered. It's for the upcoming 200th episode celebration. That's all you have to do to win. Until next week, I'm Lauren Abrams. Thanks for listening.
