Breaking Free from the Hamster Wheel: How to Rediscover Balance and Joy with Heather Fier
Do you ever feel like life calls you to slow down? Are you tired of thinking you have to control everything? Or be the best? Are you ready to let go (or is life forcing you to)? If this sounds like you, you’ll love listening to Heather Fier as she teaches self-care and self-compassion tips for overachievers. You’ll get tools to overcome the overwhelm and exhaustion.
“Learning to let go was not overnight; it took a while.” – (Heather), 3:42
“It's really you're just torturing yourself. That's what I realized is my desire to control outcomes was just making things more difficult for me.” (Heather), 9:14
In this episode, entrepreneur, mother, author, and infertility warrior Heather Fier provides you with strategies learned through firsthand experiences on how to surrender control. How to listen to your body when it speaks, and how to embrace life as it unfolds. Listen as Heather encourages you to trust fresh ways of thinking that can open the doors of success by learning to trust that everything has its unique timing.
“The biggest shift was moving my body every day and listening intuitively to what that movement should be.” (Heather), 4:50
“... for me, back in the day, I would get competitive at yoga. I'd see the person doing their perfect pose, and I'd be like, I wanna do it like that. I'm gonna just pop my hip out of the socket and try to do it. So I was too competitive. I really feel like I have, in the last decade, tired from being competitive over things and just look at it as like, hey. I wanna do what feels good to my body.” (Heather), 5:30
Letting go is your superpower. It allows you to pause, and Heather shows you how to find meaning in difficult situations as well as how to be present in the moment, find balance, and even get to laugh!
“Sometimes, being the parent of a young, strong leader is not easy.” (Heather), 13:59
“I think the biggest relief is not having to toggle between work and being a mom so much. I think that's something that we underestimate the stress it causes us to switch our brain between these two roles.” – (Heather), 22:16
In this episode:
(4:02) – Learn how to let go.
(4:08) – The pain of letting go and the IVF failures.
(5:10) – Listening to what her body needed was a big shift for Heather.
(6:04) – Doing what feels good for your body and how to tune in.
(7:38) – How to stop being controlling.
(8:00) – The lessons of a fertility journey.
(10:40) – Wanting to control everything and how to stop.
(11:41) – How to stop creating your own suffering.
(14:34) – IVF teaches patience.
(15:35) – Why being present in your body is crucial.
(20:30) – Writing a book while grieving her foster daughter leaving.
(21:30) – The experience of working with a newborn.
(22:20) – Underestimating the challenge of being an overachieving entrepreneur and a mother.
(24:06) – How to find a business partner.
(26:05) – The challenges of a health crisis.
Resources and Links
52 Weeks of Hope
Heather Fier
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Heather [00:00:00] We get so caught up in the future of what we're trying to control and all this and just taking that moment to be like, okay, I'm right here doing this right now. I'm in this place. What do I hear? What do I see? What do I smell? Whatever all your senses and just being really present just slows things down and gets you out of that mental loop, whatever is going on and whatever you're working towards.
Lauren [00:00:24] Are you a burnt-out overachiever, buried in responsibilities? Do you miss laughing with your friends just laughing from the gut? Do you remember that? Do you feel like life's passing you by? If you've been wishing for some kind of shift, you're in the right place. Welcome to 52 Weeks of Hope the show where we take you off the hamster wheel by ditching the to-do list for the to-don't list. This is where you get to learn how to make that lonely ache vanish. Learn self-compassion techniques and give yourself grace. I'm Lauren Abrams, and I get to help you feel that magic again. Since going through my own dark night of the soul you can learn from my experience and the mentors and experts I meet along the way. And today we're talking to entrepreneur, mom, author and infertility warrior Heather Fier. Are you ready to create your life where you don't constantly feel burnt out, overwhelmed, and too tired to even hang out or laugh with anyone? You're in for a treat. Hearing from Heather, who hit that overwhelm while breastfeeding her newborn and running her new business. Today she's productive and thriving, making plenty of money. And she's here letting you know how you can do the same. Learn how to take back your time, your vitality and your health. You get to stop wearing that mask-like everything's okay right now. Welcome to 52 Weeks of Hope Heather.
Heather [00:01:42] Oh, thank you. Thank. I'm so excited to be here.
Lauren [00:01:44] Yeah, I'm so excited that we get to do this. And I just learned when we were talking beforehand that you are very pregnant with your second. But I have to say, you are the perfect overachiever who's learned how to slow down, which we'll get to in a minute. But what I learned is that you graduated from UCLA in three years.
Heather [00:02:03] I went to UCLA.
[00:02:05] Three years is insane. It's I mean, it's on a quarter system which is so hard. Just that that says it all to me that you're joining UCLA in three years. That kind of encompasses the kind of person you are even from a young age.
Heather [00:02:22] So it's true. I was in my hustle mode back then and I was pushing it full throttle and did not, you know, listen to my body, check in on myself. So I've learned a lot since then, I still have that energy and that power and determination, but I reserve a little of that for myself, a little of that energy and love for myself every day.
Lauren [00:02:46] So when did you learn to check in with your body and check in with your shop? Because that's just an interesting thing right there. I think people that are going go and go. Are almost afraid to, like, slow down and feel and even check in with their body. And it actually took a health thing for me to, like, stop.
Heather [00:03:05] Yeah, I would say it took a health thing for me too. The fertility challenges we had having our daughter really forced me to recalibrate and go, Hmm. Why is this unexplained infertility happening? Maybe there's something here. Maybe how I am living my life isn't serving me and isn't giving space for all these things I want to happen. So that was probably, gosh, about eight years ago that I really refocused and slowly from there. It was like layers of an onion peeling off like learning to let go. It was not overnight. It took a while.
Lauren [00:03:45] Until that cat there's that cat poster, like with the scratch marks coming down the wall or sort of like slowly letting go. So how did you do that? Like what specifically happened? How did you let go?
Heather [00:03:57] And yeah, I'd say, well, it was it was not an easy process. So it wasn't like, oh, I had this breakthrough one day and I was beautiful. Now it was hard stuff happening. Having IVF fail, that just crushed me and it was like that really hit me hard. And I kept looking for like, What's the reason why? You know, I'm a person who is in a bad situation. And I'm like, there must be a meaning. There must be something. So to learn from this, like the new door will open. And so we went and fostered, which was a great experience in a lot of ways, but also very hard emotionally. And I had to start working on giving myself space, on doing all the things people talk about doing, like meditating and exercising regularly. So my anxiety kind of came up for me through that period. And really the biggest shift was that moving my body every day and really listening intuitively to what that movement should be. Because I think before that I ran marathons. I did extreme weightlifting like we did all sorts of intense stuff because that's just like how I did everything. And at that point, I shifted. And when you know what, I don't think my body wants that right now. I don't think that serving me and really tapping into that and realizing if my body on a physiological level is amped up and the hormones and everything in my body is not in a good place, then it's really hard to wrangle the thoughts and the emotions and everything. That kind of stacks on top of the physiology.
Lauren [00:05:29] So did you switch to like yoga or what did you do instead?
Heather [00:05:34] I do a lot of walking. I do a lot of walking meditations and I do some yoga. But I wouldn't even say it was yoga because back in the day like I would get competitive at yoga. I'd see the person doing their perfect pose and I'd be like I want to do it like that. I'm going to just pop my hip out of the socket and try to do it. So it was like I was too competitive. I really feel like I have been the last decade retired from being competitive over things and just look at it as like, Hey, I want to do what feels good to my body and if I'm not good at it at all, but I'm doing it and it makes me feel good, that's fine. Like it was really that reframe of this is my life. My life is the experience that I'm having. So if I'm miserable and feeling uncomfortable, it's overwhelming me. Like what is the point? And really loving myself in doing that and going, you know, this is this is what enjoying your life is all about. Looking back on this that's going to count. And whether or not I was the best at any sort of yoga pose. Really doesn't matter.
Lauren [00:06:34] Yeah. No, that's amazing. I love walking it. It does make me feel good. I feel like I can walk and I do a lot of hills and trails and stuff like that and try to take in nature because it lights me up. And then you took up meditation also.
Heather [00:06:49] Yes. And I'm not as consistent. I mean, we have a toddler.
Lauren [00:06:54] I have a solo coming.
Heather [00:06:55] So to say. I would very much like to be like, I do it every day. Joe, my husband, is much better at being consistent about it. I don't know if that's it. Just a difference in how we manage our schedules or he's a little more strict about his routines, but I just fit it in when I can. And if I notice the inside of me, I'm bubbling up with a little of that anxiousness. I'm starting to get really controlling, which for me was the big issue I had to let go of trying to control outcomes. And I mean, if there is a way to learn that lesson, I will tell you it's fertility treatments. Not that I want anyone to go voluntarily do that. It will teach you you don't have control and you have the surrender. And there's so much of life that requires that. And I think up until that point for me, my whole life had outcomes had happened, how I wanted. I did well in school. I had a career that was going well. I found an amazing husband, like all the things that I wanted just kind of connected together and it was no problem. And so until that fertility journey, really. Hit me hard of, Hey, you can't control everything. I didn't even realize it was a problem. Really. It felt normal and easy for me. And then once I started letting go, it just shifted everything in my life and made it a lot, lot more calm.
Lauren [00:08:10] So letting go is not an easy thing to do. So I actually if there's any way you can teach someone that like, yeah, how do I let go? Because there are so many things that you have to live in the unknown. Yeah, you just do there are so many things and it's hard to live in the gray area. Like, I don't know what the outcome is. I don't know how this is going to turn out. Even somebody. Okay, you're in wedding planning, which we're going to get. We'll get to your business. I don't know. I have to let go of. Nothing's going to be perfect. I probably would be your perfect client for that because I didn't need a perfect wedding. I have the perfect position. And as long as we can get married, especially since it was during COVID.
Heather [00:08:54] That makes perfect sense for the timing. I mean, the COVID era couples really, had a rough time. It was not an easy process.
Lauren [00:09:02] You are right. I'm like, I wanted to celebrate us and the love. And that's what's important. Everyone is like that. So they're here. They are. They're holding on. They want the perfect wedding or the perfect whatever. You have to let go because something's got to go wrong.
Heather [00:09:17] Yeah, right. It's. It's really. You're just torturing yourself. That's what I realized is my desire to control outcomes was just making things difficult for me. It wasn't actually making bad outcomes per say if things didn't go right. Like to an outsider. Now weddings, a great example. Your guests are going to have no clue if you are supposed to have a different type of flower on the table than what is there. It's going to bother them 0%. Not a soul is going to notice you. On the other hand, as the person planning it could be ruining the day for yourself by holding that so tightly. And I think that's what happens, you know, in life on all sorts of levels. But I certainly was doing that to myself where there were so many things that I had certain expectations and it wouldn't hit that and I would be very frustrated and everyone else is looking. I know this turned out great. This was perfect. Like the timing was ideal. You can just make it miserable for yourself. And I think once I realized that, that I was creating my own suffering in this process, letting go became easier even to the extreme of like the fertility treatments. That's a really tough thing to go through, really difficult to let go when you're in that because you're working hard, you're going to a million appointments, you're paying a bunch of money like your emotions are on the line, but still you can't control the outcome. And by the last transfer, we had had many losses. Many things go very sideways. And I just decided I'm doing this for myself. To be able to look back on this when I'm older and go, I did everything I could to try to make this process go where I wanted. If it works or doesn't work, I know I will be proud of myself for doing this and that is the only part of this. I can control 0% of the step beyond that. Can I do anything about Frankly, I can show up and I can take the medicine and I can try to take care of myself in the ways the doctor recommends. But I can't make it happen or not. I just have to let it be. And it's crazy how different the experience has been for me emotionally versus prior attempts where I would really hold it tight. And luckily it all worked out. But had it not, I think I'd still feel proud of myself for having just shown up for myself to do the best I could towards the goal I had.
Lauren [00:11:38] Yeah, I think that's a hard because you're full of hormones too. They're pumping you full of hormones. I mean, there's just so much to that. It's just such an awful experience.
Heather [00:11:48] Yeah, it's not a fun one. I would not recommend it, but truly looking back on it, it was a great training for being a mother because you have no control over your kids. At a certain level, their personality is like, what things are going to set them off, what boundaries they're going to push. Having that experience under my belt, I think made me a better mother than I would have been had I had, ah, kids. What I wanted to easily. I think I would have had that more controlling nature and not been as loving and gentle and letting my daughter be who she is. She's amazing. She's a strong leader, though, like. And sometimes being the parent of a young, strong leader is not easy. And I'm now able to step back and go, okay, you want to put your shoes on by yourself, Go for it, girl. I'm here if you need me. And I just let her have the space for the older version of me would have been all up in there being like, You're doing it wrong. Let's fix it, let's do it right. And I think the universe just had to teach me that lesson before I got here.
Lauren [00:12:47] Yeah. So letting go, I mean, to me, I do so many episodes, I'm breath and just being aware and even just closing your eyes and breathing into the feelings and putting your hand on your chest is such a self-soothing technique that I just learned in the last year. And I feel like I'm so like, how did I not know that I've got my whole life without even knowing that Just going like putting my hand on my heart and breathing is a form of self-soothing. I don't know. Maybe everybody in the world knew that but me. But like, I've been sharing that because I was like, Oh, this feels so good.
Heather [00:13:22] Being present in your body. That's really why we get so caught up in the future of what we're trying to control and all this and just taking that moment to be like, Okay, I'm right here doing this right now. I'm in this place. What do I hear? What do I see? What do I smell? Whatever. All your senses and just being really present just slows things down and gets you out of that mental loop, whatever is going on and whatever you're working towards.
Lauren [00:13:49] Yeah. So let's talk about your business because this allowed you to change your life. Really? Yeah. I'm the go. And yet you're making money, you're happy, you get to be present with your child. I think of so many people and people very close to me who I love, who don't get on the floor with their kids and don't laugh and they see their friends, but they're exhausted all the time. They get so little sleep and every study shows how much sleep we need and how important it is. And it's like I think personally, this is just my opinion. I think gorgeousness and sleep deprivation are the two most debilitating things.
Heather [00:14:29] Recently, I've had a lot of nausea, I can confirm. Yeah, very distracting. When you're trying to be present and you're like, I might puke at any moment. So certainly there are those sort of issues that come up. But yeah, the business has been what feels like a miracle in some levels. I mean, it was very intentionally built. I had company years back that got to be pretty big, but it was a very labor-intensive business like to scale. It meant more time and effort on my part. There was really no way to take myself out of the equation. So in that business went away years ago, it went like five years ago or so, it closed down. When I started really focusing on this new business, I was very intentional from the beginning of building something that I could effectively move out of that I could build myself out of over time. And so that's pretty much where I am now. There's a team, there's stuff happening all the time. We have wedding planning courses basically is what we offer and people love them. We have thousands of couples going through our programs and having a ton of success and we specifically focus on helping couples with tighter budgets, working through, you know, when your priority is and focusing on what matters to you about the day and being able to let go of the things that don't because we're sold, it's a very capitalist society. We're sold this specific vision of a wedding and you need this need that you have to have this or it would be so embarrassing. And it's like you really don't when you come down to the basics. It's exactly what you said that your wedding was to you. It's about you and the person. And like it's a celebration of that and the rest of it, it's just icing.
Lauren [00:16:10] Yeah. And you wrote a book, and I found it very interesting that you gave your book away.
Heather [00:16:16] Yeah
Lauren [00:16:17] And it just, like, took off. And you had 25,000 on your email list, like, so quickly.
Heather [00:16:25] Yeah, it was kind of that was strategic and also dumb luck because the dumb luck part was I didn't realize how engagement season works in the wedding industry, that there's a very cyclical pattern. So between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day, like 70, 80% of couples get engaged. It's like when all the holidays are happening. It's a very romantic time. So I happened to share this book for free, like Prime Time, right in the middle of that in a bunch of Facebook groups. I just went in groups and I was helping people and offering free support. Like, go get my book, download it. And people signed up on my list. And then all of a sudden I had this huge pool of people to promote the programs and the support that we were developing. And then from there, I ended up meeting a gal who has a YouTube channel. We partnered up. Her name's Jamie. She is all over YouTube. General Welfare. You'll go look her up. She's got all that front-end content that we put out now and we help a ton of couples. And then now we've got a whole system, a whole team running and courses that are full. And we even have developed some courses to help people build their own wedding planning businesses as well.
Lauren [00:17:38] And it's amazing because I know that when your daughter was first born, you were still working a lot.
Heather [00:17:46] Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did not have that way.
Lauren [00:17:49] Yeah. So talk about what happened.
Heather [00:17:51] Okay. Yeah. So the book came out when I was very pregnant or, like, right as that was all happening, we had our foster daughter leave, who was with us a year and a half. That was very emotional. And I felt like the energy of creating was just in me and like, my kind of grieving period of having her leave. And that was just a really rough time for me. So I was like, I'm going to just put myself into this work. And so I wrote the book. I released the book. In that time, we had a successful embryo transfer that ended up being our daughter. By the time she was born, I had just launched an online expo. We called it an online wedding expo. We had a bunch of experts talking about how to save money on different aspects of a wedding, and it went really well. We had tens and tens of thousands of couples in there when we were at that point, this huge wave of people in the community, and I was trying to still get the courses built out. I was just starting a podcast at the time about being a wedding planner with Jamie. So it was like we had all these little fires started, but like none of it was system-based yet, so it was a little chaotic. And then our, our daughter arrived and so early in those that air, I would be up, you know, with her every other hour and generally I'd get up and I nurse and I'd be laying on the floor typing on my computer, like trying to move things along on this business, just like in the little increments and the little corners of time that I had between all the things that you need to do for a newborn. And fortunately, by the time she was about, I'd say a year, a year and a half that we really locked in the systems. We the team got built out and my role got scaled back quite a bit. So who I am, I am happy now. She's my daughter's almost four and I'm in like a place where I have a lot of space for focusing on her, focusing on this new baby that's going to be here soon.
Lauren [00:19:42] Yeah. Now. And I love that. What's the biggest relief for you?
Heather [00:19:46] I think the biggest relief is not having to toggle between work and being a mom so much. And that's something that we underestimate the stress it causes us to kind of switch our brain between these two screens, kind of like these two roles, at least for me being the type sort of person. I start a task for work and I really get frustrated if I have to walk away from it mid-task. So when I was having to do all my work, kind of chopped up all over the place, it would kind of grind the gears, you know, I'd start on something and I had to stop. And then when I came back to it, I was like, What am I doing? What was I in the middle of here and having to get going again? And it just felt really herky-jerky and not very efficient, which I love to work efficiently. So now our daughter's in preschool. I get three days a week, she's there for 4 hours. So I just batch work and pretty much just check email and check in a few meetings a week on the other days and that's it.
Lauren [00:20:46] Yeah. No, that's a great way to work. And, and I know financially you're doing great and how it works for you.
Heather [00:20:54] Yeah, I've been at the partnership. I was going to say the partnership was a huge thing because back in that early day I had to try to put the content creator phase on and hop over on Instagram and be like, Hey guys, this is what's happening. And I was like, This is not me, this is not my brain. I have no interest in getting glammed up to be on camera all the time. And my business partner is very much capable of that. Really great at entertaining folks, bringing in an audience and captivating them. So she handles that and I've helped kind of bring the team together and figured out how to make it a well-oiled machine. And that worked out beautifully.
Lauren [00:21:32] Yeah. So somebody that wants to bring in a partner, what would you tell them?
Heather [00:21:36] Get out there now and work. This came from me hosting that online expo. She was one of the guests, and immediately we connected and could tell we had very similar goals and wanted to help the same sort of couples. So we eased into it. We had a few chats and then started doing a little podcast series and then realized, you know, we had such different skill sets that there was a lot there that we could help each other. I'd say that by year-end we had an amazing agreement that came to a place where she had a course she was released, and she wasn't so savvy on how to do the technical side of it. I had the technical side down, so I jumped in and helped her and ended up doing really well and decided to make it a partnership.
Lauren [00:22:22] Yeah, that's great. I love that. Yeah. So what's the hardest challenge that you've overcome and how did you do it?
Heather [00:22:29] My gosh, the hardest challenge to overcome. There's been many challenges, but then looking back, it's so interesting because it's hard looking back to see it as like, was that really that big of a challenge? Feels easy now because it's solved. But I would say the fertility one was like an exceptionally large challenge for us. Our treatments did not go well. It was not like a quick fix where it was like, Oh, we did one treatment and bam babies here. It was just so chaotic and just felt like it dragged on forever. So I'd say that probably was the biggest challenge I've gone through. Fortunately, we haven't personally had health challenges that really impacted us. I think anything on that health side can be so difficult. We've, in the last few years been helping my parents through some health challenges and just even being there to support people you love going through that is so difficult. So hats off to anybody going through any sort of health crisis because it's so distracting and I mean it. You can't function and do all the things in society that we're supposed to do because literally, your focus is staying alive and just making it through the day. So. Oh yeah, that sort of stuff really makes life complicated.
Lauren [00:23:45] Yeah, that's. That's for sure. Do you have a message, a hope you want to give?
Heather [00:23:52] I would say just believe in yourself. Love yourself fully. I think that's been something that for me, in moments where I'm not doing well when I'm not excelling, just saying, you know, I love myself right here where I'm at and for the effort I'm putting in and for showing up. And I think if you can do that, it gives you a lot of grace to be able to move through moments where it's challenging and hard and you're feeling overwhelmed because, you know, you love yourself and you're going to keep showing up for yourself and you can trust that.
Lauren [00:24:23] Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Giving yourself grace is like yeah.
Heather [00:24:30] Yes, I definitely need it. If you're a type-A mom, let me tell you. Be nice to yourself, because truly, that's one of the mantras my husband and I have. Well, see each other start getting a little amped up, especially on work. Stuff like wanting everything to be perfect. I'm like, You're nice to yourself, right? I'll be nice to my little Joey in there. Like, be kind, because that's what you need on the inside is whatever. You know, as a child, maybe you had really high standards you had to meet. Maybe you didn't think, you know, you were doing good enough for being a good boy or good girl. And it's like you got to let that stuff go and just say, Hey, I'm showing up. That's what counts. I'm doing the best I can right now with what I have.
Lauren [00:25:14] Yeah, No, And that's so good. And I love that you. You knew each other. Middle school, you.
Heather [00:25:19] Yeah, we. We met at the awkward age of, like, 12, so we didn't get together then. We were friends, and then rehmat after college. But, yeah, it's kind of a crazy thing to have known my partner from way back then because I can totally envision him, you know, awkward in middle school sitting next to me in English class. And I'm like, That's so sweet that he is. He's such a nice person from way back then.
Lauren [00:25:43] Yeah. No, I love that. That's so great. Is there anything that I should have asked you that I didn't ask you? Well, we don't know. We like her and didn't ask me this.
Heather [00:25:52] I'm not sure. I think you did a great job. You really pulled some questions and factoids from all over. So, yeah, I think you've covered the gamut here.
Lauren [00:26:02] Okay, Well, we'll have links to everything of Heather's, her book, her business, all of that. And thank you so much for being a guest today on 52 weeks of Hope.
Heather [00:26:12] Thank you for having me here. And I love what you're doing. Keep spreading the hope and everyone listening. You are worth it. You're doing a great job. Just give yourself a big hug today and know that you are showing up for yourself. And that's amazing.
Lauren [00:26:26] Yeah. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode and take with you the messages of compassion, openness and of course, the pause. Such fulfilling messages to take into your week ahead. Be sure to share the episode with your friends and to rate and review the podcast so more people can feel less alone and overwhelmed and remember the pause, the answers emerge in the pause. And instead of adding to your to-do list, how about a to-don't list? Be sure to tune in next week when we're talking about what your best life looks like. It's a super empowering episode, allowing you to feel more authentic and focused again. You get to align with who you really what you want to be and to do those things you really want to do. You're going to love the episode next week. Unlike other shows that are burnt-out overachievers we take you off the hamster wheel by ditching your to-do list for a to-don't list until next week. I'm Lauren Abrams. Thanks for listening.