Finding Freedom: Nourishing Self-Care Practices and Finding Time for Rest with Ashley Neese
Are you ready to break from what others think? Are you sick of people-pleasing? Are you ready to live your best life, feeling renewed? Discover how to tend to the parts of yourself that require attention and show up as your authentic self in this episode.
"If you want to stop wishing for someone else's life, you need to shift your focus from comparison to self-discovery and embrace your own unique journey." - Ashley
"You know, the thing about rest is that so often people think, oh, either I don't have time for that, that seems so luxurious, or that seems so unimportant, or that seems so boring. You know? People have all kinds of ideas about what rest looks like and also what it means." – (3:14), Ashley
Listen as writer, podcaster and breathwork teacher Ashley Neese helps you break free from all the artificial barriers and the fear of judgment. Ashley guides you on living with an open heart and stepping off the hamster wheel.
She has an incredible personal journey of healing and self-discovery. And her openness helps you learn and relate. She helps you know which parts of yourself need attention, and you learn how to show up as your present, authentic self in relationships. Not only that, You get tips on managing phone addiction and creating healthy digital boundaries! Self-awareness creates self-compassion.
The Impact of Social Media on Personal Well-being: "I often look at, like, how do I actually want to spend my energy? It's like, what's really filling my cup? What's feeling like a really good exchange for me? And social media doesn't feel like a good exchange for me, like a nourishing exchange, for example." – (23:10), Ashley
“We’re so focused on attaching our value to what we produce.” – (5:53), Ashley
Finding nourishment in your hectic world includes a pause. Listen as Ashley and Lauren share the secrets to restoring balance and wellness; resting and taking a pause is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. Ashley helps you make space for something new in your life, get the rest you deserve, and find the courage to pause.
Listen as Ashley shares her practices and techniques, helping you reconnect with yourself and find peace amidst the chaos. She is a regular contributor to Goop, and her wisdom will undoubtedly help you come home to yourself and prioritize self-care.
“I came into rest broken down; I came into rest sick.” – (6:50), Ashley
“Just because I can do something doesn’t mean that it’s the best thing for me to do, the most efficient thing for me to be doing.” – (14:40), Ashley
“We see people like Arianna Huffington writing about burnout, and we see all these, especially women, . . . , who have big platforms and media companies and all over, you know, in different genres and different jobs talk about this burnout piece and talk about how real that is because women are expected to work harder than men, that’s just a fact.” – (5:25), Ashley
In this episode:
(2:21) – The benefits of pausing and slowing down.
(4:00) – Unpacking the belief that you don’t have time for rest.
(6:21) – Reclaiming your intrinsic value that isn’t attached to work.
(8:30) – At times when you need to move fast, how to make rest work.
(9:29) – How to know what you’re feeling.
(11:30) – Creating space so that something else can emerge.
(12:31) – You don’t have to do it all.
(13:52) – How to create space when you have children.
(15:34) – About multi-tasking.
(17:49) – Answers emerge in the pause.
(18:50) – What happens in the pause.
(20:00) – About social media.
(21:06) – The addictive design of smartphones.
(21:58) – How to put boundaries around your social media usage.
(30:14) – The necessity of being vulnerable and putting yourself out there.
(34:27) – How to have a nourishing component in your life.
(37:12) – Trauma bonding.
(39:20) – It’s not your partner’s job to fix the broken parts of you.
(40:17) – Understanding that something different is possible.
Resources and Links
52 Weeks of Hope
Ashley Neese
Permission to Rest: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/690360/permission-to-rest-by-ashley-neese/
How to Breathe: 25 Simple Practices for Calm, Joy, and Resilience: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0399582711
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Ashley [00:00:00] I noticed there was a part of me that was really in fear about today. So I looked at that part and I was like, okay, what do you need to talk that part down? Did some integration work? Then all of a sudden my nervous system felt calm again and I was like, Okay, I don't actually have to rush. And I think so much of this work for me has really been looking at like, there is a time that we need to go fast. There's it's not I'm not saying like we always need to go at the snail's pace. That's not the point. I'm this. It's like life is supposed to ebb and flow. We have seasons where we're going to be doing more right. But rest is always needs to be part of the equation.
Lauren [00:00:32] Are you a burnt out overachiever, buried in responsibilities? Do you get that feeling like life's passing you by? Do you miss laughing with your friends? Just laughing from the gut. Welcome to 52 Weeks of Hope, where you get to rediscover laughing from the belly and getting back your meaningful one on one time with others. This is where you get to learn how to make that lonely ache vanish and get rid of your nonstop inner critic. Learn self-compassion techniques and give yourself grace. How to stop feeling short fuzed light up again to see people. If you've been wishing for some kind of shift, you're in the right place. I'm Lauren Abrams, and I get to help you feel that magic again. Since going through my own dark night of the soul. So you can learn from my experience and the mentors and experts I meet along the way. And today we're talking to the renowned Breathwork teacher, writer and mindset adjuster Ashley Neese. Ashley is here sharing her wisdom, helping you break free from all that artificial stuff and fear judgment. Ashley guides you on living with an open heart and stepping off the hamster wheel. She has an incredible personal journey of healing and self-discovery, and her openness helps you learn to. She helps you know which parts of yourself need attention and you get to learn how to show up as your present authentic self in relationships. A regular contributor to GOOP. Welcome to 52 weeks, I hope, Ashley.
Ashley [00:01:53] Thanks so much, Lauren. I'm so happy to be here with you today.
Lauren [00:01:57] Yeah. So congratulations. Your book just came out. Permission to rest. I love the title, and I got completely waylaid with all your breathwork, which you've been doing. Yeah, like I always do. Doing all the research and all the videos are all these amazing breathwork sessions that I started doing. So I definitely want to talk about permission to rest and how important the pause is, because we are doing a special series on moms who are type-A, overachieving, burnt out, who have forgotten the pause. But I think the breath is just so important, and I've gotten such an education on this podcast over the last couple of years of how important the breath is, even if I just close my eyes and take those breaths. So how is it that the breath and permission to rest and all of this because this isn't your first book, but it all ties in together so much, tying in the breath with you, with your little kids and everything else. How do you pause?
Ashley [00:03:03] Thanks so much, Lauren. Yeah, there is. It really started with the breath for me. You know, I started breathing many, many years ago when I was actually first in the recovery community. And breathing was just it was really simple. It was like, inhale the four counts, exhale the four counts, just as a way for me to slow myself down so that I could focus or whatever it was in those days. And it is definitely evolve from there. But the breath is always, for me, just such a foundational practice. And the rest book really came out of all my breath work. Right? So as I went along my breathwork journey, I, they were still having trouble slowing down. It's like I had all of these resources and all these tools with my breath and I knew what to do. But then I was still struggling to pause and I was still struggling to actually do the thing I needed to do. Right. It's like we can have all this information just like with breath work, just like with food or whatever it is. It's like a lot of us know what we need to do to take care of ourselves. But then there's something missing between that and actually doing the thing. And for me, it was slowing down. For me, it was causing for me, it was definitely learning to rest and kind of accessing myself and going, okay, what do I need in this moment? And you know, the thing about arrest is that so often people think, Oh, either I don't have time for that, that seems so luxurious or that seems so unimportant or that seems so boring. You know, people have all kinds of ideas about what rest looks like and also what it means. And, you know, one of the biggest things I hear from folks that I literally don't have time for, that my clients will say, I do not have time for rest like anything, but I read. And so I always get really curious about that. And so we start to unpack, okay, where did that belief come from? Like, why do you think you have no time? Let's actually look at your day. How much time you spending on social media? How much time are you just you know what I mean? Distracted doing other things. We can actually, like start to come up with all these minutes in our day that we thought we didn't have. And we just. They take a really honest look at our life. We go, okay, let's actually get really clear on where we're spending our time, where our attention is going, what are we focused on? And, you know, for me, especially right now, as a mom of three, we have land, we have animals, we have a lot going on. Learning how to really get underneath. My belief system has been really important. And also look at my history. Look at how I was brought up, look at the culture that we live in that has this kind of perpetually rushing, perpetually striving, perpetually trying to get somewhere else other than where we are right here.
Lauren [00:05:32] Because it's so it's like a badge. How are you? I'm busy. I'm so busy. That's a badge.
Ashley [00:05:39] It is a badge. And I think the busy thing and it's changing, you know, I see people like Arianna Huffington writing about burnout and we see all these women who have big platforms and media companies and all over, you know, in different genres and different jobs. Talk about this burnout piece and talk about how real that is, because, you know, for one thing, women are expected to do more. That's just a fact. Like we're expected to work way harder than men. And so you have to work really hard as a woman. You have to prove yourself in all these ways. And in that system that we're in, that makes it really difficult to even want to slow down. Because when we start to slow down, we go, Well, but what am I worth if I'm not rushing, if I'm not hustling, if I'm not busy, like what is my intrinsic value? And we're so focused on attaching our value to what we produce. And so when we actually start looking at that piece and like, Oh, it doesn't matter how much I do, if I still don't feel worthy, I'm never going to feel worthy doing more things, you know, I'm never going to it's it's not going to work. And so the work is actually unpacking all those systems in those structures and those beliefs and the feelings and all the grief and all the pain that's associated with slowing down and resting so that we can actually start to reclaim our worth and really reclaim our, you know, intrinsic value that isn't based on something on the outside.
Lauren [00:06:55] It's so true. So what was your catalyst? What is it that got you to where I need to slow down? I need to rest because something has to have happened for you to be like, okay, I need to pull the plug on something here.
Ashley [00:07:13] Yeah. You know, I talk about that a little bit in the book. And essentially, you know, I equate it to learning to rest. For me, it was very similar to how I came into recovery. I came in to rest, broken down. I came in to rest, burnt out. I came into rest sick. I came into rest with this feeling of like, I can't keep living like I'm living. And that's really how I walked into my first room. Like the first meeting I ever went to of AA. I was like, I can't do life. Like, something isn't working. I am not. It's not even. It wasn't even I don't feel it. It was like I actually can't live my life. The way that I'm living is completely unsustainable. And that's how I came to rescue. Very similar to how I showed up. AA Just completely broken down. And from there I really had to take a look again at I was always rushing, like, what was this kind of inherent urgency that my nervous system had that I just had to do everything so fast and get it done so quickly. And that was actually just writing about this for post I did on Instagram just about even today. For example, I got up, I was in a little bit of pain and I knew I had a big workload today, which is fine and I've prepared for it. But as I was getting ready to leave the house, I noticed myself starting to rush. I was like, okay, I've got to do this. And I could feel the stress in my nervous system. I could feel the anxiety. So like, I got to pack my bag, I got to do this, and then the kids this and I mean, it was just like such a frenzy. And I took a moment because I've been doing this work for a while now, and I was like, Wait a minute, why am I rushing? I actually have plenty of time. I'm not going to be late anywhere. Like, there's no reason for me to be rushing, really. And I took a moment, I looked inside, I checked in with myself, and I noticed there was a part of me that was really in fear about today. So I looked at that part and I was like, okay, what do you need to talk that part down? Did some integration work? Then all of a sudden my nervous system felt calm again and I was like, okay, I don't actually have to rush. And I think so much of this work for me has really been looking at like, there is a time that we need to go fast. There's it's and I'm not saying like we always need to go at the snail's pace. That's not the point. I'm this. It's like life is supposed to ebb and flow. We have seasons where we're going to be doing more right, But rest is always needs to be part of the equation. And for me, that just looks like in those in those simple moments, like getting ready to get the kids out of the door.
Lauren [00:09:22] Okay, so you just said something. I just don't know. So let's just back up from it because you said you looked inside, You did you saw there was some fear. You did the integration work. Can you explain what that is for you?
Ashley [00:09:36] So for me, this comes directly from internal family systems, which is work that I practice and have been. I have been working with an AFS therapist for many years, and this is really, really deep work. And essentially I emphasize parts work with the work with the model in the framework of IEPs is inviting us to do is to in a moment, let's say, when when we're feeling afraid to, first of all, kind of switch that language instead of saying, I am afraid the language is there is a part of me that's afraid. So in that differentiation, we're already creating space which is so beautiful, and it starts to take the personalization out of it. It starts to make it feel possible to even address the fear if I think, okay, I'm not all of me isn't afraid right now. There's just some aspect of me that scared. And so for me that look like turning to that part in an IFRS, they call that doing a U-turn, which really means just going inside. So taking your awareness inside and tending to that fear. And for me, when my parts show up, there are always younger aspects of myself that are UN integrated, and by an integrated I mean that they need to really be met and be seen because they were never met or witness to my childhood. And so that's my role as an adult now, right. Who's kind of tending to all these aspects of myself. But it's really looking and going, okay, there's a part of me that scared. What is that? What is that part need? And really it just needed me to say, hey, we don't need to rush. You know, I've got this, I've got you, it's okay. And that's the integration work. And then that part can go. Just relax. It doesn't have to be scared anymore because there's an adult here. Me actually, you know, present time. Me who can take care of it. And it's such a beautiful piece of work and it's so. It sounds I remember years ago listening to podcasts where Dick Schwartz, who developed I first was interviewed. I think he did one with Tim Ferriss. Anyway, there's a lot of podcasts, and I remember listening to him on podcasts, like walking through an IFRS thing and being working with an IFC therapist at the time too. But when you listen to it, it sounds so strange. You're like, Is Tim actually doing anything in this moment? Like what's actually happening? Like, how does this work? But as someone who sat with an IFC therapist for so many years, it's like it's actually really profound work. And on the surface it sounds really simple, but it's actually quite deep because it takes a level of awareness to even slow ourselves down in a moment and to even do that first piece of that and blending. That's right. So in that language, it's I'm blending and from my studies I would call that differentiating. So that's just that's a different word of saying the same thing, but it's really like how do we differentiate? And so when I'm differentiating from an aspect of myself, then I'm automatically creating space. And in that space, something else can emerge.
Lauren [00:12:11] Yeah. And it's so important also that you're feeling the feelings and you're feeling them all the way in your body.
Ashley [00:12:17] Yes.
Lauren [00:12:19] Instead of just blowing them off, dismissing them or anything else, that to be that aware is huge and huge. You're creating new neural pathways and you get to have a new experience next time and we get to have lots of new, new experiences. So I just think that's really beautiful. Way So I and I didn't want to just blow past that either. So you talk about a lot of different types of rest in your book, and you also talk about ways that multitasking with children about how you don't have to do it all right now, which I thought was amazing. Do you want to discuss that?
Ashley [00:13:06] Yeah. I'm so glad you asked that, Lauren. It's you know, it's really funny. So when we were editing the book, everyone who is working on the book, including my agent, my editor, every other editor and the copywriter, just literally everyone was alone. And most of the women had kids who worked on the book. And so it was just it was, you know, they're mostly moms. And so it was really fun to be in this community of women in that part of the book. I actually floated in kind of at the 11th hour because one of the copywriters was really struggling and she was writing back and saying, I'm sorry I'm late, you know, I've got to sit kid at home and this and that. And it was just that season where everyone's kid was sick. And we're always on these email chains like my kids like to. It's just not right now. And she was writing me and essentially as she was editing the book, she was going, I'm doing these practices as I'm editing, and I'm seeing how much it's helping me and just my personal life and my motherhood life. And I have this question, like as someone who multitask, asks, How can you help me? And I just thought, Wow, she's not the only one who's going to have this question. And so I'm actually going to write this section for her. But for all of us, really, I was really writing it for myself, too. And I thought, Oh, I didn't really think about that, that it should be included. Let's do a little aside and include that in the book. So that's how it got in there. But essentially it was really looking at, you know, before I had kids doing one thing at a time was easier. It just was it was like I didn't have these little people who needed things. And even teenagers, like kids need stuff or children need stuff. And I still need stuff from my mom and I'm in my forties. So that's just how it is, you know? But when they're that age, especially in this season, when they're when they're young and they're just needing things all the time, I could find myself doing so many things at once. It's like I've, you know, I've got one kid on this hip and I'm like, tying another shoe. And then I'm also trying to feed myself. And then I'm also on a call, you know, in my ear. But it's like, wait a minute, I'm doing like ten things at once. Is this really necessary? Sure, I can do it. Yeah. I mean, I could say I have the capacity to do it on some days, but is it really necessary? And what are these things? Can I actually set aside so that I can really just sit down and focus with the task at hand? And what I found, especially if you're doing less research, that just because I can do something doesn't mean that's necessarily the the best thing for me to be doing, the most efficient thing for me to be doing, the thing that's going to bring me in the most kind of attunement with my kids or even presence in a moment. And I found that as I slowed down and started to do less, I actually become and this isn't a like a a side way of saying like resources for productivity. I really don't. I kind of go against that in the book. I'm like, let's not rest so that we can be more productive, because I think a lot of people are going to go, Wait, I'll rest, I can do more. It's like, No, that's not the method, That's not what I'm trying to get across. But really it's can we bring more presence? Can't we bring more of ourselves into a moment? And it's hard, like we're I'm going to multitask with kids and the book isn't saying and I'm not saying like, never do that and have your kid and just do one thing at a time. That's not realistic. I can't you know, when I've got my three kids in the kitchen and I'm cooking, I'm going to be talking to them, I'm going to be cooking, I'm going to be doing multiple things at once. But it's really about can I bring consciousness to that? And then in the moments when I don't absolutely have to multitask, don't. Right. In those moments, I'm giving myself a break. I'm giving my brain a break, I'm giving my nervous system a break and I'm just doing that one thing. So it's really about is this does this really call for this right now? And I ask that question, Do I absolutely have to be doing these three things at once or can I take one of them off my plate or could I take two of them off my plate? You know, So it's really about again, so much of this work is about the awareness practice. Like, what do I actually need to be doing right now? And can something wait?
Lauren [00:16:36] It's why meditation so important. I mean, people are like, I can't meditate and somebody who is actually So what I look up to does coaching for me and everything else. And I always tell them I'm doing a series about the positives. You don't have a two in a four year old. You don't know about pausing. I said, Actually, I was a single mom who had full custody from the time they were very little. And I do, I actually do. And it was because I hit such a wide, so much burnout that I discovered the pause. It's when I started meditating, it became actually critical to my own health. And that was my wake up call. That's why I asked, like, what was it? Are you? That's when I started filling my cup and making sure I could breathe. And I discovered the pores. And I started meditating and doing the things so that my cup was full so I could take care of my kids way and I could get on the floor and be present with them and I could laugh with them and and all of that. So they've known about meditation since they were very little. And I always say it can be 3 to 5 minutes. It does. I mean, so to say there is a time for a pause, take a walk around the block without a device, which you definitely talk about, no social media and things like that in your book. I mean, answers emerge in the pause. Let's go to that, because people get really mad when you talk about taking a break from social media. So do you want to do you want to go there?
Ashley [00:18:02] Sure. Yeah. I also just really appreciate you are saying learn. And I like hearing about, you know, that change that you made with your two young kids as a single mother and and just what that afforded you. Right. And just the gifts from that that oh, I did this meditation practice and guess what? I can get on the floor with my kids. I could be more attuned to them. I could laugh with them. It's like there's so much richness and joy that comes from this work. And I also just want to touch on how much I appreciate you saying it can be small, like we can do these small short practices that don't have to take a lot of time, that don't have to be overwhelming or just one more thing that we have to add to our to do list. You know, they can be these short little moments of nourishment and of joy and of just really coming home to ourselves. And how incredible because that makes sense. Like you said in the past, something emerges. And for me, what so often emerges is how available I am to the moment and how much more alive by it. And isn't that the point? Right. Permanently is less for me. It is. It's part of the point. It's like, why I'm why am I here? I want to I want to feel all the things and be really present in that. So yeah, I just wanted to just reflect that back to ensure that because I felt really, really important and potent what you were sharing. And then in terms of social media, you know, it's funny, one of my friends who has a very massive social media following was just writing a letter, basically the social media on Instagram saying how she's every month losing like 30,000 followers and how it's like the algorithm, this and that and how she's just feeling so depleted by the whole thing. And, you know, and she's an author. She has several books out. And so her she's like, I just I wish I could just get off this thing. And her, you know, her publishers are like, No, you can never get on social media. It's like the publishers do not want to hear that when their authors are like, I really want to do this. This is really like lighting me up, or is this actually depleting? And for for most of us, at least for most of the people in my circle, my friends and clients and myself included, it mostly feels depleting and it mostly feels like a distraction and like an energy drain. And I think kind of across the board, people are feeling that. And, you know, I talk about that in the book is really a way to I'll say this for me. I took my first social media break when I when our first time was born and like an extended break. I'd taken breaks before, but nothing that was this sustained. And it was very illuminating. You know, in the beginning I was really surprised. I think I was trying to trick myself, but I was really surprised at how much I was reaching for my phone, just all all the time. I mean, it was actually it actually scared me. I was like, Oh, I'm addicted to this thing. That's that's what's happening. And I think naming that is really important. And that's the thing that most people don't want to name. And it's like I think a lot of people are shying away from that or, Oh, I need this for a work or Oh, this is why I have to check it. It's like we have 1,000,001 excuses about why we need to be on something. But ultimately it's like we have to look at our behavior patterns on their how we're feeling when we're on their why we're reaching for the thing in the first place. And I just want to say one thing, too, and I, I write about this research in the book, but these phones of the phone themselves, the the smartphones and the apps themselves are designed are by design to be addictive. So part of what's happening in that is that I think a lot of us, myself included, feel like, oh, willpower. It's like, why can't I put this thing down? It's like, there's a reason we can't put that thing down, you know? And we're looking at something like social media, especially for me, someone with a history of drug and alcohol issues. It's it was like, I can't be addicted to social media. Like, I have done all kinds of horrible things in my, you know, using days. And I've gone to like these horrible places in my addiction. Like this is like nothing. This is like, so lightweight. But when I got really clear on that, I recognized that every time I was picking up my phone. It's because I didn't like how I was feeling and I was trying to check out. I was trying to avoid, I was trying to disassociate. And so that was that was really painted the picture for me. Okay, if I'm going to engage with social media, then I have to have a lot of like for me, I have to have intense boundaries around it. I have to say, okay, you're going to log on, you're going to stay on for 2 minutes, you're going to do X, Y and Z, and then you're going to get off because I don't have the willpower to just go on there, like when, you know, at a moment's notice and not have something like that. Just feel like shit about myself. To be honest, I have done. So much work in this area. And I you know, I think there's there's a lot of people out there talking like, oh, if you feel bad we use social media, then you're just not working hard enough or you're not spiritual enough or you're not, that's enough. And I think that's all B.S.. Like, again, those things are designed to make us feel bad. That is literally how they're designed. So it's important for us to know that going in and important for us to have some agency to go, you know? But I do feel like engaging with this thing, I'm going to be in and choice about it. I'm going to be empowered about it. Great. And then set some boundaries around it for yourself, because that, to me has been the key to just having it feel like I have some containment. Because it's it's tough out there. It's really tough. It's really tough.
Lauren [00:23:00] The advantage of being a little bit older than you, I have no trouble. I didn't grow up with it. So what do you say, your superpower right now? Here you are. You've written this book about taking rest and a pause and everything else. And breathwork. Very. That's it. How do you remind yourself to pause? To rest? To stay off socials that you do have an accountability partner? You have. I mean, what do you do to stay good?
Ashley [00:23:32] Yeah. I mean, I'm lucky. My you know, my partner Nick is really supportive of. He's actually hardly on social media at all anymore, and so he's been inspiring for me. I think now that I mean, now that I have a book coming out, I was pretty much been off social media until it was time to start promoting the book and, and then my podcast. And so it was like, okay, now it's time to do this thing. And now I need to kind of be a little bit more active over here. But a lot of that is just through. I think to your point, a lot of us through growing up and just getting older and feeling like especially now as a mom of three, like my time in my life, the hours that I have in a day are so much more limited and the bandwidth that I have is limited. And so I of often look at like, how do I actually want to spend my energy That's like what's really filling my cup, What's feeling like a really good exchange for me. And social media doesn't feel like a good exchange for me, like a nourishing exchange, for example. But being outside with my kids, that feels like a nurturing exchange. Going to take care of our donkeys, that feels like a nourishing exchange, getting my hands in the soil that feels like, yes, I'm working, quote unquote. But the energy that I'm receiving from that, as well as reciprocal, right. And social media doesn't give me that, like reciprocal relationship. And so part of my life now and kind of my practice is really looking at what fills me up. And, you know, it's it's different. I think in my twenties it was like, what can I get out of life? Like, what can I, you know, writing these lists about this is the kind of partner I want to be with, and they better be all the things. And it was, you know, there's that an attitude about everything. And now it's different. It's shifted, it's it's softened. It's like, okay, what can it's not like, what can I get from nature? It's like, what can I exchange with nature? Like, how can we be in relationship with each other versus like me trying to get something? And so I think that that's that's been a big part of it, too. I do have accountability partners. I have friends that I check in with regularly. We do like kind of mental and emotional and health checks, like how are you doing, what's going on? And, you know, I think there was a there's a really powerful article, like a study that came out about the eight minute conversation. And so I've been doing that with a couple of my friends. We'll just get on a call and it's like, okay, 8 minutes. And for someone who's busy, talk about a beautiful pause, that eight minute pause, it should just be like, Hey, sister, how are you? What's going on? And just to go deep quickly, right. Like I don't have time for just surface conversation. Like, I don't want to hear about the top level stuff like, let's just get in there. Like, how are you really feeling? You know, what's really going on? And that to me is so healing and so nourishing and as generative. I leave those conversations feeling like, Oh, either when my friend calls me and I'm just able to witness her like, Oh, that felt so good. I was able to show up for a friend and really hear her. And she's struggling right now with whatever she's struggling with. And I just felt so supported or the other way around when I'm calling and I'm saying, You know what? I'm struggling right now and I get to feel seen and heard and with my friends. And that is such a powerful medicine. And I just love that study so much because it's so quick, you know, and especially for for folks. And I can get into this, you know, this trap, too, of this thinking like. There's never been a time. I don't have 8 minutes. I don't have 8 minutes. I'm a busy mom. I'm doing this that this is like I have 8 minutes. I definitely have 8 minutes. Yeah. And again, what I'm going to get from that 8 minutes is it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.
Lauren [00:26:48] And in both directions. Now, what about people that say, I want those people I can share that with? Where would you tell them to find their peeps?
Ashley [00:26:58] That's such a good question. I, I live somewhere really small. We my my family and I live in a very, very small community of less than 2000 people here. It's very rural and there's not a lot to do in our town. Think we're right by Yosemite in the Sierra National Forest. So that's what there is to do here. There's nature, there's hiking, there's trails, there's rivers, there's animals. Like that's kind of that's kind of the thing out here. There's a really amazing local coffee shop in town, and there's also the local library here. So that's where we hang out. And part of that's because we have kids. We go to the library. My partner Nick, takes the kids to Storytime every Wednesday, and that's the thing. But he's meeting other parents there. I meet people a lot, the coffee shop. I feel like most of my friends in this community I've met through that coffee shop. The other place is at the farmer's market. I think because we live somewhere so small, that makes it in some ways a lot easier. I think it's a lot harder. For me, it was at least in bigger cities. I always felt like people are less likely to just walk up to you and strike up a conversation, or I found myself doing that and people are kind of looking at me like, Wait, do we know you? Are you talking to us? And so there's something so nice about living somewhere small where it's like we all kind of come into the farmer's market and that's like the social event of the week and it's like, Hey, we want to see people. What's going on? Who are you? And I remember about two years ago meeting this woman outside the coffee shop, and this was obviously still during the pandemic. And so everyone's, you know, six, probably ten feet away at that point. But I just saw her from across the way and I was just like, she seems cool. She had a good energy and she had this cute little kid. And so I got ten feet away from her and I was like, Hey, I've never seen you before. Do you wanna hang out sometime with our kids and take our babies to the park? And she was like, Yeah, let's do it. So I think that that's part of it is just going to places, whether you like to go to whether that's a farmer's market, whether that's the beach, whether that's a hike, and then striking up a conversation, you know, that's kind of how I've met most of my people. I know a lot of folks meet people online now, too. That's a big thing. That's a, you know, another way to connect with people. But most of the people that I've met at this point are just from being out in the world and just from doing like minded activity, going to places like frequenting the same places.
Lauren [00:29:06] Yeah, and being vulnerable. You got to put yourself out there.
Ashley [00:29:09] Yeah. Yes, that's it. I mean, even just doing it, taking that first step is leaving and saying hi, you know, and I think that's also come with me. Definitely gotten a lot easier as I've gotten older and especially now as a kid. It's like in the beginning, just always looking for other kids to do playdates with, you know, other parents. And so that was a big thing. And in some ways that really opened me up. It made it a lot easier to talk to people because I'm like, Oh, we we both have these kids, you know, so can we have a conversation? But yeah, I think too, I've been fortunate to live in cities growing up that where like San Francisco, for example, where people are out walking around or in New York, like places where people are out and about, where it's just you would meet people like waiting for a bus or at a coffee shop or just out in the street. And again, I know we're kind of like post-COVID time. So things are just the world is so different now, too. But I found that. As much as I can. Like you said, just being vulnerable and just going up and saying hi and asking people questions is definitely how I've made most of my friendships.
Lauren [00:30:08] So how did you end up going there? I mean, here you are, you've got kids now, and what would you tell somebody who they know they're not doing what they're aligned with? They everything might look good on the outside, but on the inside they feel like life's passing them by. They have no time. They're short fuzed with everyone. They have no time for anything. And they just think everybody else's life looks better. But they're scared to take a leap into doing something else where they really could manifest a three day workweek or making good money. They really could create a life that's a lot better for them, where they have time for the pause to breathe, to do all these other things. But they're afraid. I mean, here they are. They could be she could be CEO of a company and they're lonely. They have no one they could talk to because their life looks so good from the outside. But on the inside, they're just there's nothing there's no time for anything.
Ashley [00:31:10] That's a really good question, Lauren. And I've seen a lot of women like that actually in my practice. And I'm always as someone who doesn't work in corporate and who doesn't have that. I mean, I've done. I've worked in corporate in the sense of I've brought my work into corporate, but I've never had a corporate job, and especially working with women who are around my age or even ten, like five, ten years older than I am, who are in those kind of jobs, who are running big companies and who don't have I really don't have the time. And I think in the past I would have tried to be like, okay, well, let's just find the time. But then when I hear what their schedules are, even in a work that's kind of like it just blows my mind. It really blows my mind. And I think part of that is, you know, the particular corporate culture that they're in, there's there's it's like there's so many layers to that. It's not just one thing. I always encourage folks to really look at. Really, again, it kind of goes back to what I said before, but just take an honest look at your life. Just really look at your life. Where are you when you're not at work? Where are you spending your time? Because people aren't working 24 seven. They're just not you know, they're either watching TV. There's you know, it's like, what are you doing? Know what are you doing with your time? Maybe surfing the net? Are you watching TV? Are you reading? Are you, you know, whatever it is. And so really looking at those things and it and it also really ties back into what I mentioned before, too. It's like that reciprocal exchange. So often when we were doing things like, I'd say watching, watching TV, which I'm not against, I just finished watching the what was it called the like the last the most recent Sex and the City, which was like, so, so strange, so very strange. You know, it was interesting when I finished watching the series, I wasn't like, Wow, I feel so replenished and so rejuvenated and restored. I feel so great. I was like that. That was like kind of a waste of time, but whatever. I had some laughs, but it's really looking at like is the majority of my kind of quote unquote downtime spent watching TV. For me, it's not like I'd rather do other things that actually feel nourishing, restorative. And so I think it's really important to start there because if we're going through our days just rushing and feeling so overloaded and overwhelmed, and then the things that we're doing that are like in theory supposed to be filling us up and supposed to be having a feel good, aren't, then that's a really good place to start because it's really hard to kind of make that next step when we don't have any area of our life that's feeling nourishing to us. And so you want to look at like how queen nourish ourselves. And so how can we nourish ourselves during our downtime, how clean nourish ourselves with the things that we're eating? How can we set aside those 5 minutes to do some reading or just spend some more time in nature or whatever it is, but really look for activities that feel restorative and look for practices that feel restorative, that are simple. Now, I would always start there because it's we're not going to manifest what we want from the current state that we're in. Right? Something has to change, right? The energy has to change. The vibe has to change, the mindset has to change. The subconscious belief system has to has to change. And so I had a really wonderful conversation with this woman, and we were having optimism. And, you know, there's there's all this stuff in the wellness world. It's like, just look in the mirror and tell you. You tell yourself you're beautiful ten times, and then all of a sudden you'll feel beautiful and it's like you won't because your brain is going to go, Here's all that. Like 1 million times you said you were ugly when you looked at yourself. So why am I all of a sudden after ten times of you saying you're beautiful, then to believe you? Your brain's way too smart for that. It's not going to believe you. And so it's like getting real with where we are, too. And it's again, going back to that honest look and going, okay, if I don't feel beautiful today, what's the one thing that I might be willing to appreciate about myself? Right. It's like really like passing it down so that it's accessible, so that it's doable. So that's believable. And so that's always where I would start. It's like, look for what's nourishing and look for what, you know, look for what's believable in your life so that you can start tacking those things together to make the change that you want to make.
Lauren [00:34:57] Yeah, that's good. What's the hardest challenge you've ever gone through and how did you get through it?
Ashley [00:35:02] MM Honestly, I think I'm, I'm in one right now. I am really struggling in my partnership and my partner Nick, and I'm struggling with some very old old, you know, maybe even call them ancestral trauma pieces, some wounds, some pain. That's protecting me, I guess, is the best way to say it. And so that's work that I have been deeply invested in, like not only energetically but financially and all the things it really invested in this work for the last year and a half. And it's been it's been some of the challenging, most challenging work I've ever done is really looking at like, sure, I have parts that are kind of going are just easier to not be in relationship. Sure, of course, like there's all the reasons why it would be easier. I already know that I've been in that place so many times and like how can a again, it's like going back to that first language, How can I do that? You turn and look in on myself and actually attend to the parts of me that need tending to because so much of my past relationship were really based on these aspects of myself that were UN integrated. In that case, we look at, we call it trauma bonding. There's lots of different words for it, but it's not really a relationship that's based on like two adults, right? It's really just it's like two kids trying to. Relationship that have all this trauma. And it's really difficult. And so what I'm looking at now is like, how can I be more and still, how can I show up more as like my present time adult self and what do I need to do? Because so much of my past relationships always were looking for the other person to change. If they would just change, if I could just get them to do this, then I would feel better because ultimately if they change, then I would think I didn't have to. But so much of my life now is really looking at like, Sure, would my things be simpler? Maybe in some realm, a kids aside, obviously have kids and whole life together, but that all aside just would it be simpler? Sure, on some level, but I wouldn't be growing. And there's so much growth I'm here to do in terms of my relational work. And I know that he and I are meant to grow together. I don't know what the outcome of that is going to be, but I know that we're meant to be in his life growing together. We're so family that's so clear and it's been incredibly challenging and painful and just difficult, really difficult to do this work that, you know, in some ways I had thought I'd done before, but I hadn't. And so it's like those deeper layers of work. But again, just continuing to do that, you turn and going, okay, what are those aspects of my self need? Because ultimately, like my parents, they missed the boat on that. They're not coming. No one's coming to save them. They're not going to give that to me. It's not Nick's job to give that to me, which up until I got into force, I still like there's still therapists out there and there's still therapy frameworks that will tell you like it's your partner's job to, like, meet all of your, like, unmet childhood needs. And that's fine if folks believe that and that's their practice, that's great. That has not worked for me at all. And what I'm learning is it's actually not his job. It's not his job. And that has been, on the one hand, like so devastating. Like I said, really this whole time I just thought like this he was going to be the one that was going to, like, fix all this stuff from my past. And it's like, no, it's actually up to me. And I'm not saying that in a way that's like, Oh, I'm this martyr and I have all this pain. And it's actually that's my job is to care for those little ones, you know, And Nick can support me in that. He can support me in tending to those parts of myself. But it's not his job to tend to those parts of me. That's been the biggest challenge that I'm currently facing.
Lauren [00:38:37] Yeah, I understand. And I have so many friends going through this right now and working through it and it passes is all I can say, and it gets better when it does, but it's always the most challenging. Finance and romance, those are always like those are the biggest, always the biggest challenges. Do you have a message I hope you want to give? That's on that note, right?
Ashley [00:39:04] Yeah. What's really coming forward for me right now is that this message of something different is possible. So we can look at that in any aspect, but just that something different is possible.
Lauren [00:39:17] Always we have to think beyond our limited size, beyond our limited thinking or our limited vision, I should say. Yay! This was so great. And I will have links to Ashley's new book and of course, her breath, work and everything, everywhere. You can reach her on the website and in the show notes and everything else. Is there anything that I didn't ask you that I should have asked you? And we're going to be done. You're going to be like, Lauren didn't ask me this.
Ashley [00:39:45] No, not at all, Lauren. I really appreciate being in conversation with you. Thank you so much for having me.
Lauren [00:39:50] Yeah. Thank you so much for being a guest today on 52 weeks of Hope. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode and take with you the messages of gratitude, openness and of course, the pause. Such fulfilling messages to take into your week ahead. Be sure to share the episode with your friends and to rate and review the podcast so that more people can feel less alone in the overwhelm. And to remember the positive. Of course, answers emerge in the pause and instead of adding to your to do list, how about a to don't list? Be sure to tune in next week when Rachel O'Meara joins. I love this episode so much,she was so great. And she's talking about how you can stop the struggle and heal your humanity so that you can feel more confident, authentic and focused again. And that just doesn't even do justice to next week's episode. She is amazing. She burnt out at Google and just completely revamped her life and she's just so amazing and is on fire and gives you so much knowledge. I just love her. I love this episode. I was saving it. And it's a show for burnt out overachievers who really want to do to pivot and learn new tools. And unlike other shows for burnt out, overachieving type A only, we take you off the hamster wheel by ditching the to do list for the to don't list until next week. I'm Lauren Abrams. Thanks for listening.